i'm happy when i'm not at home. i'll cry the moment when it's quiet at home. why? cause there's no more noise at home. not even a single sound except for myself. no more nicky's barking, the sound of his nails against the floor, his whimpering, the sound of him drinking water or eating his food. every single trace of him is gone. totally.

that little corner in the kitchen where we'll place newspaper for him to shit is empty now, except for a little black spot on the floor due to the ink from 17 years of newspapers. the space behind the bar counter is empty too. no more dog food. nothing. dad even threw away his bowls.

the house is so quiet now that i hate it. it's as if nicky never existed before. why is nobody crying except for me? why is everyone so emotionless? why is everyone acting as if nothing happened? its a death of a family member. HELLO ~ ?

nicky, i miss u. its hard to part. so goddamn hard. others whom lost their dogs told me that their dogs died with the eyes closed. why are yours open? i can't help but wonder. ah ma says you should just learn to let go. she told u that long ago when you first started to detoriate. mum told you that too. why didn't you listen? i can't forget the way you look when you're dead. your eyes were wide open. it's as if you refused to leave. but you didnt had a choice. you couldnt hang on any longer. i know you're loyal. you waited 4 days for us to return from m'sia before you had to go. i heard from neighbours that you've been crying for 4 days. were you crying for us or were you crying out in pain? please tell me you're happy now. please let me know you're resting in peace. i can't sleep a good night thinking that you were 'forced' to go. i can't imagine you struggling till the last of your breath. it hurts me and it hurts deeply. so fucking deeply till i can't stop myself from crying every night. and yes, here i am shedding tears for you as i type this post .

how can i ever bring myself to say all this in front of anyone? how can anyone understand the pain, the loss, the anguish that i'm going through? they havent been through it. how can they know?

my sis's rabbit will never make up for the loss of you, nicky. you're irreplaceable in my heart. even though jie bought the rabbit, i still cared most for you. you know it dont you? i'm not getting a dog anymore. i hate this feeling. and i believe in reincarnation. heaven, whoever, whatever, whatsoever. bless nicky to be a human next time. he's nice. really nice. he has a nice temper, and he never bites anyone (after being whacked by my papa when he was 3 years old ) except for those who tries to steal somethings from my house. he never barks for nothing. he follows my papa everywhere. he has done his best as a domestic dog. no other dog will be as good as him.

i know it's hard to get over it. i need at least a few weeks. sigh. quiet house.
nicky, i love you .

its 21st december 2006 . i'll rmb this date for life. nicky passed away this morning. my good old dog cum friend. always cry to him whenever i'm down and he never fails to give me warmth. i'll have nobody to cry to at home anymore. sighs. he was struggling for the past few months. i know. it's hard on him. but it's harder on us to opt for euthanasia. so we didnt. at least he passed away naturally, in his own home that he stayed throughout his life, on his fave 'snoopy' mat, wrapped up in his fave green blanket.

this was how frail he was before he died. sighs. 17 years 9 months old dog. daddy woke up at 8 and found out that he wasn't breathing. everyone woke up. daddy wrapped him up in his fave green blanket and lay his fave 'snoopy' mat in a cardboard box and lay nicky in it. daddy even wrapped it up. sighs. can't imagine my good dog, my good friend in this small lil box. fuck.i hate this feeling of losing something so important. something that was with you for your whole life and you didn't realise it's existence is so important until it's gone. okay fuck. my tears gonna flow non stop again. i'll blog again. not in a very good mood to blog now. =x

anyway, nicky was sent to mount pleasant animal hospital for cremation this morning.

ps: nicky, wherever you are, i hope that you'll be happy. we all love you very much. yes. my one and only pet dog. loves & misses for life.