Because this is me

2010-03-25T14:11:00.000+08:00

Shall move over to tumblr.

http://clarexy.tumblr.com/

2010-03-16T13:11:00.002+08:00

To the girl in question:

Face it. Everyone talks about someone else. Even your best friend talks about you. Talk does not equate to bitching or backstabbing. At least not, when the person only stated facts. Facts that you can’t deny. Whatever others infer from those facts, are not fault of the person stating them. You can’t blame the person for others imaginations and gossip tendencies.

So, point is, if you do not want people to talk about you, do not get involved in conspicuous acts. Eg; If you do not want others to say that you slept with someone else, do not stay in a hotel (or room) alone with that someone else. Eg; If you do not want others to say that you are a whore or a slut, don’t go around flirting with those who are already attached. Eg; If you do not want others to say that you are an annoying spoilt brat, stop acting like one.

Moral of the story, you can’t get people to stop talking about you. Even if you confront them about it or try so hard to prove your ‘innocence’ by appearing victimized or otherwise. Change yourself so others don’t have a chance or won’t even be interested to talk about you. Remember, talk does not mean backstabbing. Because the person talking stated facts but the people listening may infer.

Go think about it, young girl. Grow up while you can. But of course, you can ignore all these and remain in your attention seeking ways to cover up for your insecurity.

Best Wishes,
Clare Yau

P.S: I protect those I choose to, in MY way.

2010-01-14T13:38:00.002+08:00

I wonder if..

(He was stealing some chicken wings)

(Still trying)

I will miss ww as much when he's gone. He's such a cute brat.

Don't read if you have low qualifications and can't accept the truth.

2010-01-13T23:29:00.006+08:00

So young, so carefree, so happy. Seems like we've reached a point where my future lies in the decisions that I make. To think many of those in my age group haven't even grown up. Partying, planning oh-so-cool activities weekly or daily, not taking their studies seriously or even giving up their studies, not being able to sustain having a full time job for a month yet spending money like nobody's business, buying things that they can't afford, pestering parents to get this cool gadget and that branded bag for them.

I'm sorry if this offends anyone, just my 2 cents worth, but who the hell survives with just an 'O' level cert?! Even I think a diploma sucks big time, much less an 'O' level cert (96% of those who don't have a higher qualification is probably because their 'O' level results sucks. Which makes the whole situation worse!)

If you're girl, it's not totally fatal but make sure your husband earns enough and won't look down on you. Hard to say for guys these days or the stability of a marriage these days. He knows you can't survive without him, so he dares to do anything, including sleeping around. Let's say you get dumped, how are you gonna survive? Just on the maintenance alone? If both of you are young and divorced with no kids, how much maintenance do you think you can get? Dreaming big doesn't help now. Then you'll think about why he doesn't want you. (Let's put LOVE aside for now) Because he thinks you're a liability, he found someone more capable and able to contribute financially to the household. He finds capable women more appealing instead of someone who slacks around all day and wait for his return. Given the society we live in now, both scenarios, highly possible.

If you're a guy, -let's just keep it short- whoa, good luck to you surviving man.

Anyway, back to the topic. Maybe, these other people I'm talking about are just luckier. They may not be more well-to-do but maybe, their parents just don't push.

But at least, I learn how to be independent. So maybe, I'm luckier in a sense. Or maybe, it's just sour grapes (HAHAHAHAHA!) Who knows? Anyway, the above is just targeted at those with no drive to improve themselves, you do not need to be highly educated but at least, AT LEAST, have a decent job!

So now, Dad's been pestering me about my studies. Whether I want to go to UK or not. The more he says that it's no problem sending me there, it's no problem that I leave Singapore, it's no problem that I'll be away from home for a long time; the more stressed up I am. Problem. Problem. Problem. Dilemma. Dilemma. DILEMMA.

Anyway, I seriously miss Nicky boy. ): It's been 3 years since you've gone. I grew up with you, I played with you, you were my friend. You lick my tears whenever I hug you and cry over a tiff I had with Mom, over a fucked up relationship, over anything under the sun. I wish you were around.

Loves and misses loads. ): So sad now.
xoxo

Anniversary again!

2010-01-09T12:47:00.005+08:00

Amazing, Two years just passed like that. Have been reading through my old posts (I'm not the only one that does it right?), those in livejournal and here. Realised how many happy memories we had together, and of course, the fights.

I remember:

How we dated
How we held each other hands and begin our mushy statement with "Even if you..... I will still love you"
How we strolled around the airport because we weren't in school
How we sat at Macs or Starbucks and I studied
How we spent 2 Chinese New Years and 3 Christmas +New Year together
How we first met each other's parents
How we strolled around my house area, playing like kids in the parks
Your post on friendster "I love Clare the Bob, indeed."
How you held my hand and gave me a 15 min speech that very night 2 years back
How my eyes welled up with joy when you want me to be your girl
How we happily spent almost every possible, single waking minute together
How we smile at each other in acknowledgment when we saw something and not need words to convey what we think
How we first decided to adopt a cat
How we cared for that lil' kitten together, witnessing its first meow, first walk, first rub against our legs and grinned to each other
How we laugh so loud to each other because of our jokes or silly secrets or anything in the world

But I also remember:

The multiple cold wars that we had
The refusals to acknowledge our own mistakes
Your inability to tolerate how calm and sarcastic I can be while we are in the midst of a supposed heated argument or how I love to choose these points in time to correct your English.
The times when we quarrelled and fought and cried and you walked away
The one time you packed my stuff and told me to get out
The one time I removed your keys from my key ring and threw it as violently as I could
The one time when you pulled me out from my lift so hard I thought my wrist would give way and my hand would drop

Albeit all these pandemonium gets us down sometimes, we both know that what lies beneath all these, is just that one word for each other that we, peculiarly, can't put into words. Love. ♥

2010-01-07T17:09:00.001+08:00

HAHAHA! Finally I couldn't tolerate the mess that my blog is in.

I SHALL REGULARLY UPDATE MY BLOG!

-voice in the head: YAYAYA. How many times have you said that already?

2009-11-22T15:15:00.005+08:00

Had buffet lunch at Raffles last week. Was stuffed with all the good food.
Haven't seen this vintage Ice Kachang machine in awhile. Tried making some Ice Kachang with it, topped with durian puree.

Mee Rebus, I think.
Rojak, for people like me who only wants turnip and fried doughsticks.
My dad. And his caviar.
Headed to Sushi Tei at night. Ate a bomb again. Thanks to BF.
Sometimes I feel like I have so much to say about him. Yet I'm lost for words at the same time.
He picked up the habit of reading newspapers in camp I think.
On a side note, work hasn't been exactly going well. I'm burdened by others' expectations and my own at the same time. I want to perform yet I can't. It gets me down sometimes and I've started to incline towards alcohol. I'm trying hard to go against it.

Random, I found this alien thing in my Hor Fun last week. My mom got it for me as supper cos' I came home late from work as usual. I am still wondering what it is.

I need to get away. I don't even know if I like my life now. I'm not carefree anymore. This weather, the end-of-year monsoon, reminds me of the times that I had with BF. When we first got together, our random trips to the Airport, when we celebrated Christmases, New Years, our first anniversary, all without worries. But now, even taking leave for a holiday stresses me. Soon it's gonna be our 2nd anniversary. Do we even have the time to spare for a getaway? And even if I do, will I be stressed by the consequences to taking that time off work? No doubts, yes.

2009-11-06T14:34:00.002+08:00

Hello Fred-mon,

Well, I suppose by the time you wake up, I've gotta rush outta office. Sooo... Good luck for your test later les-moan! Go get good grades and share it with us once you get it back! (:

pH0.001 Lemon,
Naggy-Gan-Jiong-Spider-Motherly Precious Clare-mon.
And of course, including our very randomly funny Rach-mon.

P.S: We were discussing about middle names that day. So I said, maybe I should have my Dad's name in my name. Clare Raymond Yau Xin Yi. And Rachie said, I can be Clare Lemon Yau Xin Yi. Rationale? (Well, we both agreed that) Because Raymond (pronounced in an old uncle way 'lehmond ah lehmond') sounds like lemon.

--------------------------------

Now, it's finally the 2nd Friday i.e; BF's book out day. Like finally! I've been throught shiats these 2 weeks. Though, yes, I had fun with Rachie and Don and Xueli and maybe Alvin and Ah Guan (who made last Friday night funny). But nothing compares to snuggling up to BF on a cold rainy night or maybe having some hot steamboat at home.

Okay fine. Skip the jeff-withdrawal-ramblings. Straight to the point, I miss my BF! I've been working and going out and working and going home, stuck with my earpiece and reading my books; discussing how paradoxical life, people, emotions can be with my beloved Xueli over hot beancurd and lots of cigs on a cold rainy night.

I've gotta admit, I kinda like it this way. The slow-paced life that is. Of course it won't work the same if it's a combination of ice kachang on a hot night. (I CANNOT TOLERATE HOT WEATHER.) Funny how I managed to survive through 20 Marches. Hmmm.

2009-10-27T19:07:00.001+08:00

Assurances are words.
Words, to be communicated, have to be relayed.
To relay words, you talk (virtually/physically).
Talk isn't cheap. Talk is just free.
In which case, I equate assurances as being free too.

Who knows if they are true?
What are sweet talks for?
To make someone temporarily happy?
To ease someone's anxiety, fears, worries?

How do we even define significance?
Through the amount of assurances and talks?
But then again, wouldn't it equate significance to being free if it's based on the mentioned duo?

Sigh. The many questions, the many definitions, the many differing perspectives.
What is the truth actually?
I guess, it's just how we feel deep down.
Without spoken words.
Because without speech that manifests itself into a veil.
It may allow us to connect with how we really feel about someone.
And allow that someone to feel how you feel about them.
Be it a spouse or a friend.
I suppose it works the same.

Because, I guess, when it comes to putting down in words your genuine love for someone.
Is a more difficult feat than writing a 1000 word long essay that take the place of a masquerade.

2009-09-29T01:14:00.005+08:00

Hah great. Look at the freaking time and I'm not asleep. Can't seem to be able to tuck myself in at all. I've been missing BF (thanks to NS), tried to keep myself busy or enjoy myself out somewhere. Yet somehow I seem to think that making my own way over to his place after work, taking care of our cat, having dinner with his Sis, rolling around his bed, fooling around with his laptop is more enjoyable than doing anything else. Well, it's all prolly cos' his presence was taken away from me. I relish sniffing him out of his pillows, bolsters, blanket, t-shirts and sometimes, I'll just start spraying his scent around his whole room then sleep in it. Hahaha. I sound like a lovesick cat. Disgusting but I'm truly one I guess.

Been thinking of alot of stuff recently. Still can't put my finger as to what's the actual feeling. I feel stone most of the time. Unless I'm my usual crappy self in front of you. Have been driving around aimlessly, stopping at random places for smokes, alone. Walking long slow strides with an almost blank mind. So many things to consider, so many things to weigh.

Or maybe, I should stop weighing pros and cons. Just go with what I like and what I deem right.

Or maybe I'm just really tired. From all these nonsense.

Irresponsible people are such irritants. So, they think that they are still infants or something? Still needing someone to clean their shits off their asses every single time?

Yet at the same time, be overly proud about whatever teeny-puny-fuck "achievement' they have. Then start bossing people around just to boost their own ego, based on those "achievements".

Now tell me, should I buy you a trumpet for your birthday? You can blow it for all you like. But stop doing it in my face.

Because
I know all the shits that you've done
I know how irresponsible you are
I have to clean your ass every single time
I have to put up with your nonsense all the time
I have to put up with your lack of hygiene
I have started to have a lil' OCD, thanks to you
I have experienced being given false hopes
I have stupidly believed your empty promises
I have to seek psychiatric help soon
I have the truth to your lies
I have tolerated not exposing you in your face ALL the time (obviously cos' you lie ALL the time)
I have had enough of your fucked up behaviour and attitude.

Y'know what? Just fucking KISS MY ASS

2009-08-28T09:40:00.003+08:00

It's funny,

1. How I know you well yet I think I don't know you well enough.
2. The way others are perturbed by whatever we are talking about because we seem to be conversing in a different language, to them that is. We call that a strange yet similar frequency. So, we understand each other.
3. How we can act silly and stupid in front of each other and can’t stop laughing our asses off.
4. How a single glance or eye contact can replace speech and from there, we either make faces or start stifling our chuckles.
5. How we have the innate ability to make anything funny and that includes, food. Remember, CJ7 & Bean?
6. How we can be ridiculously honest with each other.
7. How I can’t continue listing this because I really can’t describe our connection in words.
8. Or then again, I really don't know how it works.

Love la love.

It’s sad, frustrating and disturbing,

1. To realize that in less than in 22 days time, you’ll be flying off to the other side of the world to pursue your dreams.
2. To live with the heart wrench that I know I’ll be missing you,
(i) your laughter,
(ii) your jokes,
(iii) your real personality,
(iv) your msn chats with me during our office hours,
(v) your company for ciggs and drinks almost every evening after work,
(vi) your proximity to me (10 mins walk),
(vii) calling 6536 1009 – “Tracy please.”,
(viii) your bitching with me,
(ix) your patience with all my whining and griping,
(x) your understanding,
(xi) the times we had spent together anywhere (especially BKK),
(xii) or maybe just your presence.
(xiii) Maybe. Just you.
3. To know that you’ll only be back in June or July 2010.
4. To accept the fact that I can only talk to you over msn.
5. To only be able to webcam with you instead of meeting you up physically.
6. To not hear your laughter within my space.
7. To realize that the real friend that I truly love (mushy, I know), is all alone in an unfamiliar environment.
8. To not be able to club with you and watch your stupid moves and then laugh at it.
9. That FUCK LAAAAAAAAA. I KNOW I’LL JUST BE MISSING YOU LIKE FUCK.

Miss la miss.

Yet, a part of me is already anticipating your return because,

1. We can BKK, Pattaya, maybe Rendang or wherever together again.
2. We can Loi Ketong, Pad Thai, spit watermelon seeds, attempt driving a tuk-tuk again.
3. We can derive pleasures by acting drunk, smoke our lungs black, looking at the coin drop, screaming “Heart Attack!”
3. We can spend time people watching with our drinks and ciggs in hand again.
4. We can sit down and listen to each other’s stories again.
5. We can just party and ftw again.
6. So many endless stuff that I can do with you.
7. Maybe, definitely, it’s just you.

Wait la wait.

I promise okay. Next year, I’ll save all my leave. Just to have fun with you. I’ll take care of all the necessities, all you need to do is to come back, throw your luggage and off we go! Don’t bother about counting money or exchanging currencies or whatever. Just FTW –AGAIN-.

Maybe you can go back to 6536 1009 for your summer break internship, then we can resume what we are having now. (That’s quite an idea, no?) Or maybe find somewhere EVEN nearer.

It’s quite weird to say this. But I guess you already know, -from our speechless conversations-, that you are someone who’s really important to me, someone whom I keep close to my heart, someone whom I can trust and believe in, someone whom I know, do not take friendship as a game or friends as their pawns. From the bottom of my heart –hmmm, too corny-, from deep deep in me, I love you, I’ll miss you and please don’t be paranoid over –we’ve discussed this-. So you! Better take care of yourself and not fuck around (not literally) and finally, do us proud!

TRACY WANK, FREDLATIO KOREK-MO, YOU GO GIRL!
IMMA GONNA STILL BE HERE FOR YOU YEAH.

Love la love. I’ll go to the Departure hall with you in 2009 and I’ll see you at the Arrival again in mid-2010, yes?

What to do?
Who ask me to take up 5 slots. (:

Lemon you.

Random Thoughts in Office

2009-07-22T17:10:00.002+08:00

The different facades behind a face,
Like everything just fits in place.
How innocent one can look
Or is it just the cover of a book.

It may be just a front,

But which front are you calling, front?

She goes on and on about her sob stories,

But is it the truth or just, a story.

The stories that may have been weaved,
He just can't help but believe.

Her lack of self-identity,
She's all but an unique entity.

Those puppy eyes,
Something he can't defy.
Managing to twirl him around her fingers,
Why he like it, I cannot figure.

The way she acts,

The way he reacts.

Isn't it stupid, I rave.

You look just like a slave.

But in willingness he gives,

I hope there's no need for 'forgive'.

Advices not heeded,
Feelings not considered.

But why should I bother,

I'm not even your mother!

2009-06-29T15:13:00.003+08:00

WARNING: LONG POST WITH NO PHOTOS (YET)

It’s been a long time since the previous update. Everything seems dead. Well, there hasn’t been much stuff going on recently, maybe because I’ve settled down with my new job and all.

Celebrated my birthday at Phuture because I didn’t want to brainstorm over what to do, where to go, who will come and whatnots. Less than a week after, I adopted a cat together with BF. It all started when I found him on a cat welfare website and was discussing with BF over the various issues to consider before bringing a new life home.

After much consideration, I asked if I could adopt “Peanut” (his name on the welfare website which I found out later that it was being used over and over again, even on different types of cats). I got a reply the next day saying that Peanut was really sick and is not up for adoption. The fosterer was too poor to bring him to the vet either and they have decided to let him go naturally. They offered us a healthy kitten but we decided that it was too cruel to know of Peanut’s situation yet turn a blind eye to it. So on that very moment, BF and me took a cab down to Potong Pasir to pick up our new baby and cabbed him over to Serangoon Gardens to look for a vet.

Peanut (after which would be referred to as WW), was in a bad condition. The vet told us that he has flu and his intestines are all knotted up, in which he would pass on if food cannot pass through his intestines. We were worried sick. Ms Toh (contact person for adoption) told me that an animal would know when he is being loved and cared for and all that would give him the strength and determination to go on and fight it through. Well, true enough, WW (weiwei) managed to get through the worst with the both of us around. Syringes and medicines, checking the clock every few minutes to see if it’s time for feeding / medicine, looking at our baby staring at the floor for hours. Less than a week, he started to take canned food. And before we knew it, he became a huge eater and a crazy, chasing after the mop, feline.

In between the growth of our baby, I got myself a job at Gateway Law Corporation. Started work on 25 May (whoa! That’s more than a month ago), everyone here is nice. It’s environment, a total opposite to TKS. It was crazy noisy mess there. Someone will be talking at every point in time. Whereas at Gateway, we Skype each other instead of talking or via intercom. The office is generally quiet so we can do our own work in peace.

Well, as for the Litigation team, where I’m working under. It’s hectic in the sense whereby there are a lot of work to be done and a lot of documents and things to be prepared before a trial. The amount of admin work alone is madness, filing and printing and keeping track of what’s this what’s that. The worst period would be towards the end of the month where billings and all have to be done before the month ends. Well, can’t be helped, can’t blame Max for rushing and pushing us either because a law firm, no matter what, is still a business itself.

Haven’t been feeling awesome for the whole of last week. Too many things going on at the same time. It wears me out quite a lot. As much as I want to be strong, a human body and mind has certain limits to how much it can sustain too.

Sometimes I wonder who someone really is. What can we get from what we see? Is it all a façade or is it reality staring right back at you? How do we avoid being emotionally or mentally affected by these people and how do we avoid being affected by those whom are already affected by them? Attitudes, importance, existence, sense of belonging, confidence, self esteem, appreciation etc changes to a point in which I find it so hard to grasp, where I don’t know which approach to adopt while facing it.

I guess, that’s just what they want. To be seen, to be important, to be spotted, to have attention. Well, I guess you can have all that because I can live without. I can’t say I’m 100% comfortable at where I’m standing and who I am because that would make my whole blog post stupid (amongst other facts like yes, I do feel non-existent / unappreciated at times). But well, I am comfortable enough to let you have almost whatever you try to “protect away from me” or “snatch for yourself”. It’s probably because you haven’t found your stand or your self-identity yet; while I know, I’ve already did.

Good luck to growing up everyone. Age isn’t a gauge of maturity or wits. If you ain’t savvy enough (I’m not saying I am, yet), it can be quite difficult surviving in such environments sometimes. And saying that, probably, I can’t blame her that much either. Which is what I always get, “She’s still young ……”. Right. I’ve just got to learn to accept.

A successful person is not the one who’s right at the top, rather, the one who’s WILLING to be at the bottom. –Somewhere I read from

The tougher you’ve been through, the more successful you are as compared to others. Learn to smile back when you’re angry, it will not kill you, rather, it may save you. –my Mom

I keep reminding myself stuffs like that whenever I feel like I’m receiving "bad things".

Clare, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. IT ~~FUCKING~~ DOESN'T MATTER.

2009-04-24T01:58:00.004+08:00

Your Working Style

You use your thinking to look for the principles underlying the sensory information that comes into awareness. As a result, you are logical, analytical, and objectively critical. You are not likely to be convinced by anything but reasoning based on solid facts.

While you like to organize facts and data, you prefer not to organize situations or people unless you must for the sake of your work. You can be intensely but quietly curious. Socially you may be rather shy except with your best friends. You sometimes become so absorbed with one of your interests that you can ignore of lose track of external circumstances.

You are somewhat quiet and reserved, although you can be quite talkative on a subject where you can apply your great storehouse of information. In everyday activities you are adaptable, except when one of your ruling principles is violated, at which point you stop adapting. You are good with your hands, and like sports and the outdoors, or anything that provides a wealth of information for your senses.

If you have developed your powers of observing the world around you, you will have a firm grasp on the realities of any situation, and show a great capacity for the important and unique facts of a situation. You are interested in how and why things work and are likely to be good at applied science, mechanics, or engineering. If you do not have technical or mechanical interests, you often use your talents to bring order out of unorganized facts. This ability can find expression in law, economics, marketing, sales, securities, or statistics.

You may rely so much on the logical approach of thinking that you overlook what other people care about and what you yourself care about. You may decide that something is not important, just because it isn't logical to care about it. If you always let your thinking suppress your feeling values, your feeling may build up pressure and find expression in inappropriate ways. Although good at analyzing what is wrong, you sometimes find it hard to express appreciation. But if you try, you will find it helpful on the job as well as in personal relationships.

You are in some danger of putting off decisions or of failing to follow through. One of your outstanding traits is economy of effort. This trait is an asset if you judge accurately how much effort is needed; then you do what the situation requires without fuss or lost motion. If you cannot judge accurately, or if you just don't bother, then nothing of importance gets done.

Suitable Careers

auditor
carpenter
coach or trainer
computer programmer
construction worker
dental or medical assistant
economist
electrical technician
engineer
farmer
firefighter
marine biologist
mechanic
military personnel
paralegal
paramedic
police officer
private investigator
repairman
securities analyst
steelworker
surveyor
technician
transportation operator

So now I know, being a paralegal or police officer is just me. GOOD.

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test47.aspx

2009-04-10T04:19:00.002+08:00

My dad's really nice.

Few weeks back he asked when's my official graduation ceremony.
So I told him it's somewhere in May and he can attend.
Initially I wanted to get Samsung Pixon but Dad asked, "Why not iPhone?".
Now that I tell him, "Daddy, can we go get an iPhone tomorrow? I've checked out the prices."
He asked, "Why not Blackberry?"

So now how? iPhone or Blackberry. But Blackberry is a tad too corporate for me.

"Okay Daddy, 8GB or 16GB, which one you want to get?"
"I want? It's what you want. 16GB waste battery life."
"Alright. 8GB."

Just as I was about to walk out of his study room,
"Eh girl, check Blackberry how much. I want."
"Ask your Mother when free to get the phone with you."

So I walked into my Mom's room,
"Mummy, Daddy ask when you free go buy phone for me."
"Saturday lah not tomorrow, tomorrow not free. Saturday got offers."
"Daddy say he also want to get Blackberry."
"Huh? He got bonus never tell me is it?"

2009-04-08T02:08:00.004+08:00

I've no idea why but I can't wait for the day you bitches have no friends then realize how important TRUE friends as compared to "I am bored so we meet" or "It's time to club so we meet" kinda friendship.

No really, I can't wait to see how you all gonna suffer and shrivel up in the hell hole you dug for yourselves.

You brought me so much shit in my life I can't wait to see you die, bitch.

Hoho, revenge is sweet. Even better when I don't even have to do anything.

Just sit back, relax, get some popcorns (or none cos I don't have enough teeth ).

Swirl my drink in my glass, hear the ice cubes clatter against the glass.

And watch you die.

Fucking watch you suffer.

Then I'll laugh to myself, curse you bitches even more, dip more nachos into cheese.

And watch you die.

No friends, no boyfriend, nobody cares about you. NOBODY LIKES YOU.

Oh, that's not the end. The end comes when your group hopping days come to an end. When there's no more groups for you to hop because you stank your whole life's reputation EVERYWHERE, ANYWHERE you hop to.

Then I'll chuckle to myself and go "I told you so."

AND WATCH YOU DIE.

Soon, your ALPHABETS will leave you. I didn't know parents named their children with alphabets. 'Gossip girls' is just a FREAKING TV SHOW. Why do people incorporate stuff like that into reality? Just spell the name LAH. Very difficult MEH. Or is your spelling THAT BAD?

Oh yes, back to what I was saying. Alphabets will leave you then you can go all whiny and angsty on your blog. But guess what?! NOBODY CARES.

I'll sit comfortably and wherever I am. With my happy life. Swirling my drink, eating popcorns, nachos, pizzas, whatever. Because all these food don't matter. What matter is,

YOU ARE SO LONELY

YOU KNOW YOU BROUGHT ALL THESE UPON YOURSELVES

YOU CRY TO NOBODY COS NOBODY CARES

YOU SHRIVEL UP IN HELL

YOU CREATED ALL THESE SHIATS YOURSELVES

and what really matters is

I FUCKING WATCH YOU DIE.

WATCH YOU DIE.

Sweet revenge without dirtying my hands. Sweet, sweet revenge.

P.S: For the purpose of clarifying. I used "yourselves" cos there's more to just one person. But she doesn't really matter actually. I just want to WATCH HER DIE with HER. I can freaking produce a slasher movie now.

2009-04-07T00:00:00.002+08:00

You're such a sweetie pie.

And I'll have you take care of me throughout. :D

I love you.

2009-04-06T23:56:00.004+08:00

Fucking hell. I keep tasting blood. It's been 12 hours. AND I'M STILL TASTING BLOOD.

2009-04-06T03:09:00.004+08:00

Just got some photos from BF. Taken these during the year 3 chalet. But me and Jo went there a day earlier and wasn't around for the actual day. Hahahaha.

So it ended up with me, Jo and Haiqal. Taught them 99 and Jo was addicted! Anyway, I think it must have been a long time since I've went to a chalet at Downtown East. But when did the rooms become like this! The beds can be kept in like a closet?!
I got BF to come over cos' I'll be all alone once Jo and Haiqal leaves in the morning. So, I was kept company with Resident Evil and BF supporting me. He doesn't understand how Resident Evil can be played using the controls. Can you see his face on the bottom left of the screen! HAHAH!

And my stupid ass face.
Went to work on Friday even though I was nursing a bad flu. And I decided to be a lil more girly. How's that for you? HAHAHAHA. Damn. I don't think anybody in school seen me in a long skirt before man.
And I was feeling kinda dancey. If you get what I mean.
I know this is weird but I've to wear this to work! I feel like CHUN LI. Don't you think!
Anyway, my phlegm decided that being green ain't enough. It decided to have a lil tinge of blood in it. And some weird colour. WOW!
I'm having cold feet now cos' I've gotta pluck 4 pre-molars out in about 6 hours, to make some space for my braces. Damn. But since I've already set my mind on doing this, I'll just brave through it all the way. I've been talking about getting braces since I don't know when. And I'm only doing this now. I know it's a lil late. But, better than nothing still.

I'm getting ceramic braces for those who wanna know. And it's $5k wokay. I'm forking out like 3/5 of the whole amount. So yes, it better work and put my teeth in good position. (: Then I will not feel inferior about my teeth anymore! I know they are quite okay. But from the side, I'm damn chui! SERIOUSLY. They are getting into my way so much I wanna hammer them into pieces.

After everything, I'll be pretty! Prettier than some people! Woohoo. Much anticipation.

Anyway, I have no idea why BF and Mummy's acting like I'm going for some BIG BIG surgery or MAJOR check up thing. I'm just plucking teeth but Mummy's like asking if BF is going with me. And BF has to cancel his appointments cos' he has to accompany me there.

Or maybe, as what they claim, 4 teeth is not a joke. Right.

So Honey, you better bring me for some really nice breakfast before my teeth comes out! I'll see you in awhile love! Like, 4 hours? :D

P.S: BF will be my photographer and he'll be covering the whole of before to after braces process. HAHAHAHAA

2009-04-02T01:12:00.003+08:00

The symptoms of a very bad flu is kicking in or has kicked in since last night. Was all teary-eyed with running nose and non-stop coughs. I think I didn't allow BF to sleep well last night because I was making so much noises and movements while lying on him with my tissues and water bottle on his body.

I'm feeling so groggy and lethargic. My head is so heavy but I can't sleep. The best thing is I don't even feel like smoking. WOW.

I think 2 restless nights and alot of alcohol are the catalysts for this. I knew it'll come soon but now so soon.

Right, I've to give tuition tmr and work for Carlsberg on Friday. I really think this will drag all the way till the weekends. And then on Monday, I'll have to get 4 teeth plucked out. Wait for another week and up goes the braces and I'll look like a science geek freak. And off I'll go to Genting with my new set of teeth.

I think BF will be right. My fever will worsen throughout the night.

And my Mom said the pain due to the extraction of teeth or whatever will cause headaches and fever too.

Sian.

2009-03-30T01:19:00.004+08:00

Slept at 5am on Friday night. Woke up at 1pm and couldn't sleep anymore. Ate Banana Nut Crunch cos there's nothing much to eat at home. And I nua-ed all the way till it's time to meet Tracy at Harbourfront. According to her, it's a stupid dress code cos it's all white. No skirt no shorts so I'm left with one choice. White jeans. GOODNESS. But I realised that it ain't that bad afterall.

I know my phone very kuku. I think imma phone killer and this phone is the only survivor. Will iphone die on me too?

Worked at km8 for their closing party. I swear it's madness. There are photos I ripped off Facebook so, credits to them!
I returned home wearing a badly-stained-worn-thrice Dorothy Perkins jeans. Ferlynn concluded that Tracy can throw her Peninsula jeans and I should bleach and scrub mine. HAHAHAHA. Tracy's jeans looks like "chap chye png auntie".

And! I know this is random. But I didn't eat until 8pm today! VERY PRO RIGHT! :D

The pay wasn't very fulfilling but it's a fun experience anyhow! So thank you all you people who made my night! :D

2009-03-28T02:32:00.004+08:00

I am such a loser now because I don't have a job and I wake up everyday thinking, "What should I do today?" Anyone feeling the same way as me?

So I'm busy working for Carlsberg, giving tuition, work for km8's closing party later on. I'm still trying to be busy working out. But I'm such a bum.

I'm having this really bad cough and I have no idea how to kill that virus. As in seriously, look at my phlegm.
This is a very random picture of my disgusting supper cos' I was too lazy to whip up anything to eat. Lettuce, carrots and beans. Goodness.BYE!

2009-03-19T02:54:00.006+08:00

I seriously still don't understand. After all that we had as friends, you can say all those hurting things without even considering the extent of how it's gonna hurt our friendship. I never once harped on the topic about your blog. All I asked was just one simple question and you could have just told me a simple "No.". Simple?

Whatever that I've replied is just a response to whatever hurtful shit you've sent me. You said all kinda shits that night and now you tell me you don't have the courage to talk to me until you went home after the drinking session you had with whoever and you're sorry that you've hurt me.

I've made things so clear one year back. But till date, I still don't see whatever changes we have between us. It has never became better. Maybe all that I did wrong was to delude myself that we've changed. But the fact is nothing has changed. I read through our past msn conversation. April 2008 till now. The issues are still the same. All the same.

I read through your texts again. Then I read through that apology on msn. It doesn't go. It's like 2 very different people talking to me. I don't have the strength, patience, heart, endurance or anything else to continue anymore. If there's no mutual acceptance and understanding. I have no idea how this is gonna continue.

As I've said, I'm not a friend who will always go out and be crazy and have fun with you but I'll always be around if you're down and need me. I'm this kinda person. Now I don't know why I should be around all the time when you told me you don't even need it.

I don't understand why our friendship should be measured by all these superficial shits. You can find these shits with others and think that your friendship is so superb, go ahead. You've pushed me away many times but I keep coming back. Pride is something that I've put down in front of you.

Baby, I don't call you baby for nothing. But I'm not around to be a clown. I'm not around to tolerate all these hurtful words. I call you baby cos' you're someone dear to me. I don't call you baby so that I can be laughed at or be the subject of an inside joke.

aiya '

i also will jealous about this kinda thing

but afterall, that's human what

but yeah la, there's a drift between us and we know it more or less. but no matter what, at least we're both maintaining our whatevership

In short, I call you baby and I don't mind so many stupid things because I love you as a friend, alot. I don't even care whoever say what cos' prolly they are feeling even more insecure or jealous than I am.

I didn't reply to your apology is cos' I don't even know what to say to you anymore. Whatever that I'll say would only be a repeat of whatever I've said a year back. Pointless. We'd so much memories. Prolly it just didn't mean anything to you.

Memories?

you very tired lehhhhhhhhh

tell ur mama i miss her

tell ur papa i miss him

tell ur rabbit i dont like him/her

tell ur bottle of alcohol i'm coming

you're my sunshine, my darling sunshine

u make me happy

when skies are grey

without you is like cny without angpow

angpow without money

cny without oranges

im here im here

so there's still angpow

oranges and money

i love you baby

love you too

anyway if ur nick is sayin us, u still mean alot to me.

ok sry

no more sorry's (:

i dont know, like for the first time, there's like got tension between both

ahhh. it's over alrdy. so don't mention it anymore aite

alright ily

loves (:

not important

impt is now you all okay can alrdy

if anyone dare say you

come hide behind me.

Sweet huh? But I'm letting go. It upsets me so much.

Y'know, after reading your text, I realised how apt your blog song describes us?

It upsets me girl when you're constantly accusing. We're fighting this war baby when both of us are losing. What happened to working it out. We fall into this place where you ain't backing down and I ain't backing down so what the hell do we do now?

2009-03-13T01:45:00.003+08:00

The dark eyeshadow that doesn't look dark at all.

It's a very bad day. Was working just now cos' Carlsberg had this new product. It's called Kronenbourg Blanc. A French beer with a fruity white beer with citrus notes. I've tried it and it's really refreshing. A ladies' beer, I'll call it.

Anyway, I suffered from insomnia last night so I couldn't wake up by 2pm. Instead, I slept all the way till 3.30pm. Goodness. I rushed through my bath and my make up and I had to walk all the way to the ATM machine so I can cab! Just so you know, my place is relatively quiet so it's really inaccessible. My god. I don't usually put on dark eyeshadow, rather, I have never done it myself. The only times I don smoky eyes make up was done by my make up artist that's all. But I think I did quite an okay job.

The day was a bad start. I went to Bala and Sarah, my really nice manager/supervisor had to slap on layers and layers of concealer and bronzer to cover up my tattoo cos we had to tie the shirts up revealing out midriffs. That's one. Next was when we all realised that my M size skirt was literally dropping. I wasn't confident I could wear S that's why I told Sarah to get me M instead. Then, my socks were too thick for my boots so I had to wear them without my socks. It sucks, totally.

So I started work. It was okay at first. But as the sun set and it got really dark in Bala. I couldn't really see well. It was free flow Kronenbourg for the night because it's a launching campaign. I served the 'Carlsberg' table, meaning all the big shots in Carlsberg are sitting there. Someone elbowed my tray and FUCK, the whole glass on my tray spilled onto one guy and splashed onto 2 others. I nearly wanted to act like I fainted.

So, work ended with Clare being really traumatized by that event. Colin, Bala's manager was nice enough to offer us comfort food after that.

BIG BIG SIGH.

Random. Hello Mandy.

2009-03-12T01:03:00.005+08:00

Alright, new blog url with a brand new look. But this brand new look is like a lil too over-narcissist. Goodness. Can someone tell me how to make this vain photo a tad smaller so that I've more space for my posts? I've struggled for a night and I'm still lost. ):

Mj-ed with Jasmine and Mandy on Tuesday and over one night, BF and me lost alot because Mandy is damn pro at 5 tai self-draw and Jasmine, together with her hubby, is really lucky. I think it's the pregnant mummy's luck.

I got home at eightish this morning and I knocked out. Was supposed to visit the dentist cos I'm getting braces but I was too lazy. Was supposed to play Wii with BF also but by the time I got to his place, his bro wanted to bring it to camp. So we didn't play Wii as well!

Anyway, I got my results and they were quite sucky. Okay, half sucky.

AY 2008/2009 OCTOBER SEMESTER
Business Accounting 2 ----- B
(I've struggled)
Advanced Civil Procedure ----- D+
(I fucked the main paper)
Arbitration & Alternative Dispute Resolution ----- C+
(I loathe this subject)
Insurance Law & Practice ----- B
(I did well for main paper! Cos I had a C for my project. WASTED. Goes to show I can't do charts as well as written reports.)
Intellectual Property ----- D+
(Another heavy subject that I fucked)
Trusts, Wills & Probate ----- B
(UNEXPECTED. TOTALLY. I thought it's gonna be quite bad.)
Student Internship Programme ----- Pass

Academic Status: COMPLETED COURSE OF STUDY FOR THE DIPLOMA IN LAW AND MANAGEMENT

Hello people! I'm a graduate! Bye bye Temasek Poly. But, where should I head from here? Shucks.

Anyway, photos that we've taken on our way over to Jasmine's on Tuesday. I was damn chui cos I was too lazy to make up properly.

2009-03-04T04:58:00.000+08:00

DoubleO to celebrate the end of school for all of us. It's like suddenly, we're no longer freshies, rather, we've graduated. So that night was a hell loads of fun for us.

Our incomplete group photo.
The girls. I like this photo cos my boobs looks big. Hahahaha. Disgusting.That's me as the alcoholic, like always. Getting my hands on some once I step in.

That's my small boy plus joker. Irwin.Sharifah and her really sharp chin. She loves chicken wings.

Farah. The hot hot malay girl, I like.

Winston, how can I describe him. Hmmm.
Tracy, I think she's trying to violate me. Rachel, why do everyone like kissing me?

Will, the very muscular bitch.
Jackson, the tooty turn cute guy.
Ah Jun, not a law student but my lil' bro nevertheless.
Here comes Jo. Who looks very gone.
Jo likes to stick out her hand like paparazzi's taking photos of us.
I am ashamed to say I have very bad slouching problem.
But I am proud to let you all know. That I have shed some weight. As you all can see. :D
This photo makes my face look slim!
Haha, Tracy doesn't understand why we have to tango to R&B.
I started fooling around and none of them can tahan me.
See! Her face so reluctant.
I think she's smiling so blissfully cos' she's resting on my boobs. So not counted.
Rachel only concentrates on taking pretty photos.
But okay la, she's different. She's still very nice.
But BF's nicer. My typical "I-want-my-honey" face and pose.
So I ran up and jumped onto him. He still genuinely very happy you see! Told you BF's the best.
So I just stayed there blissfully.
So sweet right. (:

2009-03-04T01:49:00.000+08:00

Yayness! I'm going to Bangkok and Genting with BF. I'm getting girlfriends to come along too! I shall start planning now.

Anyway, I was just thinking. If you don't like me or have something against me. Say it to my face or just show it directly. What's with "ooops..."?

Cowardly creatures.

2009-03-02T04:26:00.000+08:00

End of school. End of poly life. End of studies for now. What am I gonna do? Goodness.
Had fun for the past 4 days with my friends, BF, family, people around me that I love so much. Gotta start planning how my life is gonna go on from here. Photos up on facebook which is so much more convenient. I'll prolly just rant here for all I want. (:

Because she would ask me why I loved her
By Christopher Brennan

If questioning would make us wise
No eyes would ever gaze in eyes;
If all our tale were told in speech
No mouths would wander each to each.

Were spirits free from mortal mesh
And love not bound in hearts of flesh
No aching breasts would yearn to meet
And find their ecstasy complete.

For who is there that lives and knows
The secret powers by which he grows?
Were knowledge all, what were our need
To thrill and faint and sweetly bleed?.

Then seek not, sweet, the "If" and "Why"
I love you now until I die.
For I must love because I live
And life in me is what you give.

Life in me, is what you give. ily honey.

2009-02-20T03:34:00.000+08:00

I'll be having my first paper in 6 hours time and I can't get to sleep. Y'know, when you're suffering from all the anxiety and you just stand by the window, things just flash past your mind and sometimes, you see it from a new perspective.

What's friendship really. I've a 13 years bestie. What more am I asking for? But sometimes, I'll just miss those times that I had with that particular someone which most of you will actually know who I'm talking about. It's like, if we weren't so stubborn in our own ways then, will we have ended up like that? I still love you very much as a friend, baby, whatever. But does it make a difference now? Prolly no. Maybe until a day when we come to realise that all differences and grievances deep down inside have disappeared, then would we be back to how we used to be. But I'm not counting on that. Because you seem happy with what you have now and I'm really glad for you. Just seeing you once in awhile, maybe for mahjong sessions or seeing each other in a club and have fun, would suffice. What else do I want more? Probably just your mutual appreciation of what we once had. That scrapbook? It really helps.

So many things have happened and I feel emotionally and mentally defeated. I've bawled my eyes out, cried my guts out but achieved nothing at the end of the day. Maybe fear isn't something that can be conquered with just words of assurance. This fear or hell hole that I've created for myself is not something that anyone can fill it up for me. I'll just have to get through it myself with someone's help. But nobody's helping, so there I am. Still stuck in that hell hole.

Y'know. Life is all about choices, making them and not regretting them. It's like the art of drawing without using an eraser. I can use bolder lines to cover the thinner ones. But when there are too many fine lines. No matter how bold another line is, it cannot cover them totally. And if it ever can, it spoils the whole fucking drawing. Maybe I should stop drawing such fine lines because I chose to, not because I want to. My life is MY LIFE right? But when you love someone that very much, you get so tangled up and there won't be a differentiation of who's life is whose. Does this apply to everyone or is it just me alone?

I've made a choice now. Not because I like it but because I want it. Is that contradicting or is that stupid? But love is never fair nor logical, no? People lose their minds when it comes to love and I'm just like any other normal human being. At least, that's what I think for now. After all this rantings, I'm sorry to inform any of you who is reading this, it does not make a difference from the start of everything. So, it's still back to that "normal".

Was talking to Rach on Msn and I reminded myself this phrase that I always said but forgotten about it as time passes. "Guys will only know how to appreciate their losses." But I don't think this applies to just guys only. Ladies too, but with a lower probability.

Someone told me that "Babe, this is a fucking free world. So do what you like and say what you like." Well, it's easier said than done I guess.

I stood by the window and looked down and thought how my body would look, distorted with guts spilling out lying on the floor 10 levels down. Who will be devastated over my death and be affected for life, yes, FOR LIFE. Maybe except for my family members and two important persons in my life, nobody else.

But then again, am I really that significant to this world? Does my existence matters as much as I think it does because nobody's indispensable?

Guess that's a question everyone should ask themselves.

2009-02-02T00:47:00.000+08:00

Just because Mummy heard a dog barking and howling non-stop. She thinks that someone's gonna die soon. Because, "No dog will bark so much in the middle of the night and howl that way for nothing."

Right, that's my Mom for you.

I should stop staring at matrimonial proceedings because it's annoying. Should start on accident claims or insolvency instead. OMG. Less than 12 hours to go but I'm nowhere near the mark yet. Bahhh.

2009-02-01T15:14:00.000+08:00

I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate

CCB. KNN. fucking hell. goddamnit. I have no idea what's wrong with me. But all fucking go die.

2009-02-01T14:55:00.000+08:00

At least from a wall, I hear echoes.

2009-02-01T03:43:00.000+08:00

I just stole photos from BF's phone. And they are hilarious. Enjoy.
My attempt to add a photo into BF's private collection.
Then the 360 degrees difference.
Yes yes, he's plucking those hairs that I've left out. Apparently he does a more elaborate job than me. Laugh la laugh la. I think it's sweet ley. You all are just jealous. HAHAHAHAHA.

2009-01-31T03:15:00.000+08:00

ONLY IF YOU LIKE TO READ MY RANDOM RANTING POSTS

Been thinking alot recently, especially when it comes to relationships and stuff. I know it isn't the right time to think about all these due to all my over-the-edge-pressing deadlines and looming examinations drawing near. But you see, in his terms, shit happens. And precisely because shit happens, they led me thinking.

A whole load of shit has been happening and bestie, isn't having a great time herself either. My heart goes all out to her. But she is the one person whom made me believe a strong relationship can pull through anything.

I've always been thinking why most couples will feel awkward when either one of them keeps quiet but reassures that he/she is not thinking of anything negative or that he/she will not burst out crying in 0.172 seconds. I've always treated my relationship in a way whereby I know I can keep quiet yet feel at ease beside him, hoping that he will feel that way too. It is because I believe that there's no gap between us that we are so close as to just sit beside each other, simply relishing the presence of the other. But of course nobody will do this on every single date luh!

Let's just put it this way, in my relationship, I see no gap needed to be filled with words/sounds because silence is not awkward. It's the serenity, peace with oneself and the other, knowing that the both of us is as much in love as the other is. In reality, some will probably term it as "communication breakdown".

But communication may not be a good thing afterall. I've always thought I can express myself and put it through to the other person in a way I meant it to be. After awhile, I came to this realization that,

"Clare fucking sucks at it"
"Clare's chioce of words fucking sucks"
"Clare fucking can only think for herself and tries to enforce her perspective onto me"
"Clare is stubborn"
"Clare can probably write an essay rather than talk/text"

And all along, I am only voicing out my views instead of enforcing them onto someone else because I know for a fact that perspectives cannot be enforced or incorporated into another. I've always thought my command of language is not that bad. But I cannot explain why I cannot do this.

Have I digressed too much? I've been reflecting for days about my relationship, Clare as a GF, Clare as a person. And sometimes, I feel like I will gradually lose the real Clare as a person because I want to change for the one that I love. Because anything is worth it right? As long as BF will love me more, blablabla. But that is bullshit. That is being totally naive.

I know BF accepts me for who I am and I'm really thankful for that. Okay good game, my train of thought zoomed outta my mind.

I'm quite blank now cos' I haven't gotten enough sleep. I don't know why I'm going on typing but yeah. I'm sorry to whoever is reading this now cos' it's kinda pointless. I should go rant in my livejournal instead.

The whole point of this stupid ranting post is that,
" We are so close to each other honey, even just by sitting beside each other, there will be this inexplicably unique feeling between. Words is to understand what the other person is thinking and of course for basic communication. Words should not be used to cover up a silent awkwardness. "

Okay fine, the subject matter is: BF and me is that close to an extent we do not need irrelevant stuffs to fill any gap cos' there's no gap to start with. And I'm very happy about it.

2009-01-31T02:39:00.000+08:00

Didn't bother about this space for the past week cos I've been really busy. Last minute CNY shopping together with all the deadlines and shit. Anyway, since I have the photos with me and the time to spare now...

Miss Big Square Jaw feat Mr Puny Oval Eyes on the first day of CNY at his Grandma's.

I know, BF should stop acting cute.
And fucking stop flexing dimples and nostrils.
Day 1 was boring. Same old family thing, played mj at Grandma's, played BlackJack after mj, win finish money, get out and have fun. Bestie and I met up and since we were driving around aimlessly, we decided to get some fresh air.
But apparently, the place was filled with idiotic people who have nothing better to do than to picnic there and make hell lotsa noise. Drove over to DblO, wanted to chill on drinking but got free drinks from the people working there. So I drank Xueli's share too cos' she's gonna be behind the wheel. Besides, if she's the one drinking, I'll have a hard time. HHAHAHA. bitch.

So I came home looking super unglam as compared to the start of the day.Then came day 2 which was relaxed.

Went over to my relatives with BF before heading down to Joey's with bestie joining us. OVERNIGHT MJ! Woohoo. Been a long time since. Anyway, here's Chivas, that hyperactive lil baby I haven't hugged in the longest of time. He was damn shagged that day.
Roll roll roll, rolling while sleeping is goddamnit cute.
Yes, as expected. Day 2 ended with me looking chui again. But it's 7am! You can't blame me!
Apparently when I left his Grandma's on day 1, his Grandma asked his sister "Your er4 sao3 (2nd sister-in-law) go already huh?" and she asked his Mom, "Where is your xi2 fu4 (daughter-in-law)?". All these are in accordance to what I've heard from both BF and lil sister.

Honestly, I am openly very shy about it but I am also secretly smug. MUAHAHAHA. But still, those terms will not come till years later, as planned. (:

2009-01-22T01:20:00.000+08:00

Making it short and sweet.

Random stuff:

I did my hair on Sunday and I feel so light now. But I'm gonna change the colour after CNY.
BF has red hair too, in accordance with me and CNY. Yeah right.
I kicked one of the chairs in BizPark yesterday and my big toe hurts
I kicked some hard object in Parkway.
I strongly believe that my toenail will have a blood clot and crack open AGAIN. I think it's an annual thing. Fuck.
The crack on the nail of my thumb is getting longer and longer.
I pray I won't be nail-less for CNY.
BF does not know how to appreciate the time he has. Can't he just sleep with all that free time! Doesn't he know how much I want all that time for myself also. Basket.
THESE PEOPLE DON'T KNOW HOW HAPPY THEIR LIVES ARE!
ENVY.

School shit:

Have been camping in Sports Com or outside LTs with my laptop.
Either studying hardcore or rushing to meet deadlines.
2 deadlines this Friday.
1 test on Saturday.
1 deadline next Friday.
1 deadline next next Friday.
1 deadline 1 day after next next Friday = Valentines' Day
1 test on Valentines' Day.
1 week later, start of papers.
HOW CAN THEY CLAIM TO BE GIVING US STUDY WEEKS WHEN WE'RE BUSY MEETING DEADLINES!

I am busy completing IP. It's 4am and I've gotta wake up at 9am. Why am I doing this? Why?

2009-01-16T19:59:00.000+08:00

Finally, a weekend to shop, pack my house, spend time with my love and most importantly, rest.
Been busy doing projects, having project meetings. All I've been doing for the past week is just related to school school and school. The deadlines are too horribly cramped for us to meet. From the start of January, I've been rushing to meet deadlines.

Recap a lil, it all starts from new year. YOU TELL ME! Who in the right mind will set a deadline right after new year!

2nd January - Deadline for Advanced Civ Pro, Divorce.
7th January - Deadline for Wills
12th January - Presentation for IP
16th January - Deadline for Advanced Civ Pro, Accident Claims.

In between the 2nd - 16th, I've been trying to settle the IP and insurance projects. Which is crap because I've this particular someone in my group. It's okay if she does her work. But I don't understand what rights she has to threaten to be nasty, when she don't even do a single shit?!

19th January - Meeting for IP
20th January - Meeting for Insurance
23rd January - Deadline for IP and Insurance projects 10am and 5pm
24th January - Assessment for Arbitration

22nd I don't need to sleep already. 23rd I tell you, I sure die. I will camp outside the LT with my lappy from 7am to 4pm. Unfortunately, I will have to face the same person for that whole period of time.

You people see AH. 23rd clear all projects by right should be damn happy go out play like one crazy bitch right. Or go for my CNY shopping which I reckon will be delayed if I can't find anything this weekend. SAD TO SAY, law lecturers apparently don't wanna let us go out and have fun! 24th should be a day for us to buy clothes or buy CNY stuff what right! Prepare for reunion dinner on 25th. BUT BUT BUT, I freaking have to go back for a test.

Good job Sirs, keep it up.

Thou shalt not give up!

I'll come back and rant again. For now, I'll continue stoning till honey finish work!

2009-01-11T03:25:00.000+08:00

Self directed plot.

Mr GungHo trying very hard to act cool.

Conducting an orchestra with his cigarette.
Then he got down on two knees to propose to me on this very special day. With a cigg.

Basket.

Alright alright, I'm bored cos' I'm suffering from insomnia now. The first picture was candid actually.

BF came over in the morning while I was happily sleeping. Prepared to get outta the house for some sun! Snapped this shot while waiting for Daddy to send us to the train station. Honey's not happy. =x Probably cos' I slept too long.

So, he evolved into a big baddie. He said he wanted to go home and didn't want to bring me out to play.
And that made me very sad cos' I was all prepared.

We prepared food the previous night for Sentosa so obviously he was kidding when he said he wanted to go home and sleep. My never ending treasure bag with all kinda things.

My moo moo water bottle that BF got when I asked him to buy it at GV a few days back.

Settled down on our picnic mat which he insists is ugly. I think it's quite nice though.

And I was seriously a happy lil kid. Haven't been out to relax since I don't know when.

And so, I stripped outta my clothes damn fast.

He's too shy to show his nipples.

I greatly enjoy such serenity and peace. Spending our whole day there without worries, chatting about anything and everything. Playing categories, bla bla.

Being next to each other, enjoying the other's presence. That's what's important.

Happy Anniversary my love. (:

P.S: On a side note, if you look close enough, BF's eyes are nice though they are small.

Look at his eyelashes! Or is it just my photography skills? (:

2009-01-05T04:28:00.000+08:00

Going through 2008 with you.

2008 was a year that passed like a honeymoon. Sweet and smooth yet unforgettable.

There were many setbacks here and there. Lil' disagreements that we had, big fights that we've been through. All those tears and heartache, was so intense till this very day, I can feel it lurking somewhere.

These heartaches are reminders of the past and the mistakes that we've both made. What's learning without failure? What's a relationship without tears?

After a whole year, you're still that very special one love.

The one who loves me more than anything else in this world.
The one who is able to make me feel like the most important person in his life.
The one who doesn't care how unglam I look or how stupid my actions are.
The one who still loves me all the same no matter what stupid things I've did.
The one who wants me to be with him 24/7.
The one who wants to hug me to sleep every night.
The one who offers his arms to support me at my weakest.
The one who has eyes for me at my ugliest.
The one who won't expect anything back for whatever good he has done for me.
The one who gives me all his life and doesn't need anything in return.
The one who is willing to receive and keep all the love that I'm willing to give.
And the list goes on...

But definitely, you're the only one that's in my life, the one that I love as much. The one who is able to make me cry while typing this post with an ultra big lemon in my throat. That's how powerful you are, being asleep yet able to have such a huge impact over my emotions.

HoneyHubs, I love you but I have no idea how to put them into words that would be equivalent to how I feel for you. Words would not be able to justify as much cos' we both know our love, is just so overwhelming.

I know this came a lil' late but anyhow...

I love you honey, let's step into 2009 and face all differences and difficulties together. It's gonna be a year filled with changes and adaptations to be made. But I know, there's nothing we can't solve together. Even if it requires tears and shoutings and pushings and tuggings and packing up (TOUCH WOOD) and ignoring each other, we both know that we have a goal to look forward to and we'll work hard reaching the goal together. Ahhhh! I love you hardcore! (:

P.S: I know it's so late I'm left with 3 hrs to sleep. So, I'll prolly crash once I lie on your bed after school. You know it's worth it la huh. (:

2009-01-04T03:21:00.000+08:00

The most fulfilling thing in 2008. My internship at TKSP.
For some peculiar reason, I miss working 8 to 5. For some peculiar reason again, I think I kinda miss TKSP.

That teeny weeny cup of chinese tea.

The peace I get when I sit in the room and work.
The times when I can go casual.
The late night OT which I like cos' I can work better this way.
My drawer filled with my stuff. Anyway, Break's a good option for smokers with budget.
The pile of work that I have a love-hate relationship with.
How I get to chat on Msn with Debbie when she's sitting right outside my room.
My messy table with all my unnecessary stuff.
Entrance into the serenity.
Mr Rave's table. He's a great mentor and a great friend to talk to.
The JOL table under the super turbo centralized air con.
My crazily messy table.

Now I think I'm a workaholic. I need to work I need to work. Studying's a different thing altogether. ):

2009-01-04T01:20:00.000+08:00

The always random and extreme me.

Being all "yew xiu". Refined you call it?
And ultra loony at times.

But I have a loony BF that goes crazy over food.
And he says I have to emphasize on my blog how much I love him. Which I will later.
And my Mama bought me a gingerbread man whose legs are gone now.
ANYWAY.

Helloooo people! (: I know my blog is dead, so I'm back with annoying photos of really bad quality. Sony phone died on me but was revived today and I forgot my camera on X'mas day. So I guess that explains.

We were very into my MioTv cos' I have this 2year free access to all Video on Demand. That's about how I spent 2 weeks of my holiday. Watching movies with my love through the nights. But he's always busy fumbling around.

Busy
Still busy
Still very busy
And there I am comfortably tucked into my new ultra big and comfy sofa.

X'mas day. We were supposed to have a theme but decided that it's too difficult to carry out so I guess we'll do it some other time. Like maybe our anniversary huh?

Real scenario. Hopped onto a cab that day and started camwhoring.
I got bored with it after awhile and decided not to entertain him. FYI, these photos are less than half of what we've taken.
And then, my phone rang and I was there happily chatting with Xueli. He was okay with it at first.
So he continued the camwhoring alone with me entertaining him now and then.
He got a lil mad after awhile and wanted to bite me.
But I still didn't bother about him in the end and he was quite affected by it.
On a very random note, we had escargots and they were superb.
So we ended up here! Bet you guys don't know where.

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It was our virgin trip there.
I was excited and I have no idea why I looked so happy.
But someone was struggling for the first half hour or so.

He looked soooo comical I couldn't stop laughing at him.
This was taken while he was trying to keep his balance. I think.
After much training from me, I decided it was time to let him try going a round by himself.
SPOT THE WOBBLY PENGUIN!
But he came back safely though, then it was my turn and off I went. I was too fast for the camera. HAHAHAHA.
My glamorous comeback.
Okay, maybe not so glam after all. I smashed into his handphone.
Classis, pouts. Laugh all you want. It's a Happy New Year afterall!

2009-01-01T19:01:00.000+08:00

My blog is so boring cos' I haven't got my pictures due to my dumb MSN. I'm spending New Year's day at home doing my Advanced Civil Procedure because I have no idea why the lecturers set a deadline on 2nd January. Basket.

My Honey's not up yet and I have no idea what to eat or how to do my project. Jo, are you as lost?

2008-12-17T18:36:00.000+08:00

I feel loser-ish waking up at times when my parents come home from work. Then sitting in front of the tv deciding what to do and I can't think of anything better cos there's seriously nothing much I can do at night.

I need to tune my biological clock back to normal. I don't like waking up with headaches cos' I slept all the way through the day.

Feels useless yeah?

2008-12-14T01:39:00.000+08:00

A very random post now cos' I'm all alone at my second home waiting for my Honeybun to come back to me. I am indeed very bored watching Tottenham vs Man U now after Liverpool and Hull City came to a draw. Even his Papa went out, I'm all alone at home!

Sidetracking a little, I was damn shy just now lah!
When I opened the door and came in, BF's Papa went, "Jeffrey ley?"
HAHA uncle, Jeffrey don't want me.

POUTS

Berserk
Honey come back please?

Emo nemo

Damn. I miss BF's presence.

Spot his crazy face

Airport trip last week to relish the moments when we were dating. HAHAHA.

And very random photo of us in the hotel room at Bintan.

And our dumb expressions while on the coach. Think we were heading for spa or something,

HONEY!!
Your love is bored.

P.S: All the photos were stolen from his laptop, explaining the randomness. The first half's for Tott'ham vs Man U gonna end already and I don't know what to do when that happens! Ah lalala. I shall spank his ass when he gets back.

YES YES YES! HE CALLED. I'M GOING OUT NOW! WOOHOO.
THIS POST IS COMING TO AN ABRUPT END NOW
THE END.

2008-12-03T23:30:00.000+08:00

CENSORED

2008-11-28T09:29:00.000+08:00

It's my last day here at TKS. As much as I want to get ample rest and fun before I start mugging hardcore again, there's this sour grip on my heart. It's only been months but I already feel attached here.

The people here generally, ain't very nice. I mean, hey, if any of you're reading this, I'm just being really honest here. There's like this separation between the teams here and the disparity is so obvious. I can even say that they are of the two extreme ends. S's team is soooo nice you will fall in love with them. So I kinda envied Suquan & Lurvin who were sooo comfortably working there. Y's team is hectic and hyperactive in a bad way. Once the babbling/ bitching/ nagging/attitude starts, good luck to you. I may not bear grudges nor will I let them have a taste of their own medicine. I'll just prolly go home and start cursing to the max. But I would have to say, that some of them there are quite nice too.

There's this tinge of melancholy in me right now because I really will miss my lawyer. Wrote a Thank You + X'mas card to him and I hope he will like it. He's been more than just a fatherly superior or a friend. I treat him as my mentor and I think no intern will ever forget their first mentor. I've learnt so many things from him, ranging from law, to politics, to economics, to life and even to the way I should handle situations or people in the working environment. He's probably the only person I've talked to the most in this whole firm cos' I'm in the same room as he is and we always have alone time whenever we're at court waiting for our hearings.

I think I'll miss my room and my L-shaped table which I love so much.
I'll miss putting random stuff into my stationery holder and drawers.
Probably, I'll even miss boss's father whom never fails to offer me warm chinese tea in a miniature teacup when I'm freezing in my room. I call him Uncle and he calls me the Water Ghost (shui gui) in the room cos' he claims my hands are so cold like I'm some Water Ghost in the olden days.

All in all, my farewell lunch was superb and I probably ate a whole salmon fish away.
Yeah, the melacholy is still lingering somewhere in me just like the sweet after taste of Uncle's warm miniature cup of chinese tea that I've just drank.

2008-11-27T14:37:00.000+08:00

2nd last day at work. Not feeling absolutely great though. Left office around 9pm last night, sheesha-ed with Eugene after that. After so long, I'm going clubbing on Saturday. Celebrating the end of SIP and Eugene's birthday. But if not for the 4 free invitations with free flow drinks and free make up. Probably we wouldn't have chose to club.

Whatever it is, I'm kinda cranky now maybe cos' I'm damn drowsy and I can't sleep in office. Gotta go for a musical after work later cos' boss gave me tickets there and I can't reject. I'll go home and crash and wake up to a new day. That's like the kinda lifestyle I had for months. I'm sorry I have no life and I'm boring you people out la.

What clubbing? What chillax? What shopping? What supper? Sorry lor, I gotta work lorrr.

Now that I'm gonna be free again. I'm suddenly lost. Yes, back to school. Then what? The 'having-fun' life sounds so hectic now. In the end what do you get there? Just wasting time and money with some temporary pleasure or one night stands maybe (that's for THAT kinda girls)? I mean of course, don't mention that there will be occasions that needs some celebrating and fun. Maybe it's just cos' I'm jealous that those meaningless, lifeless, aimless, no-brainer people can lead that kinda lifestyle.

Jealousy kills in both work and relationships.
At the least I know and we all know that I'm a tad better than them.
Tsk.

2008-11-25T09:02:00.000+08:00

COUNTDOWN COUNTDOWN COUNTDOWN : 3 more days excluding today!

HONEYLOVE! I'M COMING! WAIT FOR ME!

Okay, let's see. I'll FINALLY have the time to upload my photos. Finally, I can blog about Bintan. I don't have to wake up at 7 every morning when the temperature is orgasmic. I can snuggle next to him and sleep all I want. I CAN MAHJONG WITH XUELI COS SHE'S MOVING IN 2 WEEKS LATER! I can go to the gym and start losing fats. I can play ping pong and badminton with BF. I can force him to swim with me. OH MY. There's so much stuff to do.

But most importantly, I gotta complete my report in 2 weeks which means I can't play as much as I thought.

HOWEVER, I've fun in stall for me. Like, having private invitations to Arena this Saturday (thanks to Jo) with Jo and Eugene to celebrate his birthday and the end of our near death experience aka, SIP.

987FM is giving away preview tickets to the movie Twilight on-site at 987 RSVP at The Arena, Clarke Quay. Come dressed as a vampire and stand a chance to win the grand prize of 1 x DVD Recorder and a years supply of movies at Shaw Theatres.

Free entrance, Free drinks, Free fun, Free time, Free dance, Free Jo, Free Eugene, Free Clare, Free-dom. =D

P.S: Should I use faux vampire teeth? HAHAHAHA. Shall psycho the rest to do that. Which Jo prolly will be strongly against. Then I'll make her drink and make sure she can't remember. I WANT a year supply of movies at SHAW! Damn it.

2008-11-23T19:35:00.000+08:00

5 more days to go! (:
Hello Xueli, I'm free to meet again!
Hello Boyfriend, I've lots of time for you again!
Hello Jo, we can chillax all day and not worry about not being able to wake up again!

OMG OMG. I'm soooooo excited now. But anyhow, I'll miss some of the people there. Like Rave, my lawyer, who taught me alot alot alot of stuff. Etc etc.

AHHH! I don't have to worry about being late for work, don't have to detest taking the train and bus every morning to that bloody place. Best of all, I can drive to school everyday! Woots!

2008-11-20T09:24:00.000+08:00

I SHOULD STOP BEING LATE! fuck.

2008-11-19T09:23:00.000+08:00

14:55
I don't know what have I done to her to deserve such attitude or such accusations. Seriously, I don't get it why she should be the one acting like this when it should be the other way round. It's more like I'm offended than she's offended. I have my dignity and I can hold my head high. I'm leaving this place in a week. I tahan. LL what, who ask me to me one small lil intern fry. Can't afford to offend, anything just tahan. No rights, no nothing. Give others order around, give others scold. I seriously don't give a fuck about whatever bitching will go on all I give a fuck about is my internship. I did my best and proved I could work. But if it's because of some "other-than-work" factors that affects my grade. I FUCKING GONNA THINK IT'S FUCKING UNFAIR. Why nobody spares a thought for pathetic interns?

09:30
I am very pissed with this particular someone. Tell me, why should I bear responsibility and expenses for a mistake that I did not make? So was it a mistake being a nice person and lending stuff to others?

It's freaking $120 for something I did not do. Anybody wants to enlighten me and tell me what to do? Fuck.

2008-11-18T09:06:00.000+08:00

So now, the question that is put forward to me.

Am I a jealous person?

So, what actually is jealousy? Jealousy differs from envy. Jealousy is a complex reaction because it involves a wide range of emotions, thoughts and behaviour. In a positive way, jealousy heightens emotions, make love feel stronger and reminds ourselves not to take our partner for granted. However, jealousy may kill a relationship too if it leads to over possessiveness.

So what kinda girlfriend am I? I'd dare to say, I take jealousy in a positive way, if I'm the one being jealous of course. I'll take all jealousy and keep it within me, without even confronting my BF about it. Much less to mention, control his movements. I'll even use positive self-talk and tell myself that I'm such a loveable person and that BF respects me and is committed to me. But then again, why should I allow myself to slip into complacency? Temptation is abundant and everyone's susceptible to it. Bet you all have been thinking, why do I allow myself to be stuck in such an internal struggle. Because I love my BF and I want the best for him.

Days before, I came to this realization that, hey, this isn't healthy for me or my emotional stability. So I've been reading up quite alot. Maybe it's because I've been hurt more than once in my past relationships which is why my outlook on this is different from most of the girls. I even told my girls that guys will stray and it's only a matter of time.

Xueli almost killed me when I told her I'm prepared for that day to come. The day when my love has an affair with someone and the first and last time I'll ever forgive him. (Please don't think my BF is unfaithful cos' this post is just a random rambling.) Yes, I'm insecure in a way but I don't allow that part of me to surface. I don't wear it on my face. It's a torture keeping it in for some but I've learnt to accept it as a part and parcel of life.

Trust is an essential for a relationship but we often take it for granted that it will always be around. It's too easy to break and too difficult to rebuild it. So why break it in the first place? Affairs ain't only about sex. In fact, any intimate activity between two persons that breaches the trust of a partner constitutes an affair. I can be open and accept alot of things that my BF wants to do whereas to some, it's unacceptable. Simple things like clubbing alone with his guy friends, etc etc. But guys, girls, whoever out there. There’s always a boundary to what you can do and what you should not do when you’re in a relationship. (Note: I didn’t say what you CAN’T do but instead I said what you SHOULD NOT do. But that’s just my way of handling my own relationship, you guys don’t have to agree with me.)

Ending this annoyingly boring post, I'll differentiate the 4 different types of affairs.

The boat-rocking affair - when one partner has an underlying dissatisfaction with the relationship. The affair is an unconscious way of drawing attention to the problem and bringing things into the open.
The exit affair - when an affair is used to get out of a relationship. Rather than confront the fact that a relationship isn't working, an affair forces the issue.
The thrill affair - the illicit nature of an affair brings with it an adrenaline rush. Add to that the excitement of sex with someone new and the romantic trimmings of a fresh relationship, and it can seem irresistible.
The three's company affair - can go on for years; it can also describe a string of successive affairs. Some people find it difficult to commit to one person; they feel stifled by monogamy and fear putting all their emotional eggs in one basket. Having a third person on the scene can provide an outlet for difficult emotions.

And how we can go about avoiding it.

Be open - honesty is the key to avoiding affairs. Share any temptations with your partner and agree to support each other.
Be close - build and maintain emotional and sexual intimacy in your relationship. The closer you are, the stronger you are.
Be smart - don't slip into complacency: everyone is vulnerable to temptation. (This was what I was talking about)
Be alert - if you find yourself feeling attracted to someone, take action to avoid getting any closer.
Behave - if you'd describe yourself as a natural flirt, remember: if you don't want to get burned, don't play with fire.

I'll always joke on my blog that I'll kill whichever girl that dares to get my guy. But we all know that's not possible at all. On a serious note, I won't stop him from going out late in the night, won't stop him from clubbing, won't stop him from contacting girls. I won't kill whoever. I'll just make it plain simple.

If you have the guts, go ahead.

2008-11-14T16:11:00.000+08:00

Hello! Oh man, can you believe that's just the preview to darling Jo's post? And there's still Xueli! HAHAHAHA! My blog's more alive now!

Jo says. (1)

2008-11-14T14:26:00.000+08:00

well, hello. this is Jo making a special appearance on Zhar Bor's daily musings. I'm from Jurong, born with two parents on a good day, none on a bad. Was brought up along with Jesus, Mother Mary and the Holy Spirit. Attended a school in the neighbourhood and now, a wayward friend of Clare.

Being a friend of Zhar Bor is one thing. Spending time with her is another. Leaving her would be disastrous. Like how the Bees will always stick to their Honey, I thank my lucky stars Zhar Bor is like an overflowing pool of Honey available while I'm like the one pathetic overweight Bee left behind in the big big forest.She's just got an abundance pool of love, boob hugs, kisses and smackerools to keep me alive and kicking.

Enough of carrying your balls Zhar Bor.

This Zhar Bor here showed me time and time again that being unglam is part of her whole package. And she made me feel a tad less guilty about my dirty little secrets. (fucking unglam can).

She carries an air that leaves guys feeling powerless and dare I say, breathless while carrying an oxygen tank, restoring their breathing after flashing her megawatt smile (oh, no. She should be still taking their breath away). OK, maybe after flashing her megawatt smile, mouths a "hello darling" with her saucy lips.

Is it me? or am I looking like I'm penning an article for Maxim.

Right. How apt, cuz Gavin Jasper's Pretty Woman is on my playlist.

Zhar Bor.. Where do I even start telling you guys about spending a moment with her?

2008-11-12T00:28:00.000+08:00

Bintan PreviewA moment of peaceful luxury.

Alcoholic in me starts to surface.

Had my eye on one.

Bintan fever.
I love my hubs.And my girls as well.

And now, I'm gonna fall asleep in office. My day didn't start off right. More than half of me wanted to go over to BF's house to crash. Circumstances taught me otherwise. Full post on Bintan will come up soon. As soon as I've got all the right pictures.

2008-11-10T10:28:00.000+08:00

17:11
Gong Li a Singaporean now? Hmmmm.
http://sg.news.yahoo.com/rtrs/20081110/tap-gongli-citizenship-c3bb44c.html

So... I just walked into my lawyer's room and asked:
"Mr Teo, we just received the fax from the client that came in last Thursday."
"What thing? I don't know."
"You know, the client that came last Thursday, that Y*****t Place (confidential)"
"Aiya, I don't know la. Then what you want me to do? You go handle the case as you deem fit."
"Huh? Orh, okay."
And then, once my ass touches my seat,
"CLAREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~"
I went nbcbwtfknnpcblpb : (smiles) "Yes?"
"They pay money already not?"
"Haven't, they say they will pass us the cheque shortly"
"Then okay lor, we also tell them we will attend to their case shortly. Get money then do."

BUT I STARTED ON THE CASE ALREADY!

What a nice day.

16:35
Good game. I'm stuck at my desk busy juggling between cases for one of the client that came in last Thursday and doing up the submissions, AEICs and list of documents for another client who'll be coming in tmr. Just at this juncture, J came in a threw me a new case. WOW, how great. (editted cos' I decided I was too mean) I'm an au-naturale hypocrite.

11:25
I'm ordering Canadian Pizza cos' my tummy monster is growling now. Extra large for $38.90. Think it'll be enough for 5? Shall steal someone else's share. It better come at 1pm sharp cos' apparently, according to the operator, EVERYONE is ordering pizza due to the hardcore rain.

10:06
Just got back from Bintan last night. Haven't got enough rest yet but I rushed to work anyhow. Took a cab all the way that burned a hole in my pocket. I'm at peace with myself, feeling relaxed and prolly a lil drowsy in office now.

Bintan - The spa was great. The place is superb with the right ambience, a quiet calming sanctuary indeed. The people there are so nice, the service was of quality class. Was greeted with traditional dance and drums when we arrived, gave us small glasses of fruit punch for us to quench out thirst. Left our baggages at the hotel before making our way around the lil resort. Pasar Oleh Oleh was crap. Totally nothing there, most of the shops were selling the exact same things. Went for the spa before checking back into our hotel. Rested a lil and went for buffet dinner. King sized bed with loads of love through the night. Bath tub dipping in the wee hours of the night. Missed continental buffet breakfast. Damn it. Checked outta hotel and left baggages there still. Walked over to beach resort for some food, wanted to try out watersports, decided that we will do that the next round cos' the weather wasn't friendly. Went back to hotel for some jacuzzi and chillax-ed at the pool bar, literally, cos' the bar's in the pool itself. Washed up and headed to fatory outlet, this time with our baggages. Got myself a dress, a polo, a pair of PJ shorts in satin material (orgasmic), pair of shades and pair of slippers. Still, I didn't spend more than one-quarter of what BF spent back in Singapore. (:

Decided, the next time round, we shall not spend so much on spa itself. Enough to cripple, yet not enough to kill. Damn it.

Pics will be up tmr. (:

P.S: Shall think of how I'm gonna sleep in office without being found out.

2008-11-06T09:09:00.000+08:00

09:09

Hello blog, I've nobody to talk to in office cos I'm stuck in a room alone and my msn gossip buddy cum coursement is on mc today. ):

Got off the wrong side of the bed, not literally of course.
Slept while bathing until I poured a whole tub of cold water over myself after my hot bath. (Don't ever try doing it)
Was still sleeping while I was blowing my hair dry.
My make up regime luckily, consists of just 10 mins.
Ironed my clothes and nearly ironed my fingers.
Rushed outta hse.
Brisk walking up a slope while smoking ain't an easy task.
Got onto a cab to Serangoon.
About to get off when I realised my pouch disappeared, or was never there to start with.
Asked uncle to U-turn back hom.
Decided I didn't have enough time.
Called Lurvin to save me.
Cabbed all the way to work.
Luckily I was early, so it was only $18.90.
So now I don't have cash!
But I have credit cash with debtors on hand.
So Jo was the suay one cos she's the first person I called.
I'm freezing cold in here, why is this room getting colder and colder? ):

Was viewing one of my ex's profile, glad that people do mature and do grow up. I hope.

Shall update again later.

A DAY AT WORK

09:43
I'm freaking hungry now. I think I'm gonna faint. I miss my BF I miss my bed. I miss snuggling up to his warm body early in the cool morning. I think I'm having depression in office. I hate my room. The walls are so white they are glaring at me. Hey, but at least I got a room nto a cubicle. Why the fuck am I complaining? Damn it.

10:05
I suddenly feel so bad. I've been spending TOO much money. 3 digit sum gone in 2 days without a reason why. I think my BF hates me. He's gonna confiscate all the money. He won't allow me to buy stuff anymore. He's gonna scold me if I keep taking cab. I'M SORRY HONEY!

For now, I need a smoke and a curry puff from that Indian stall downstairs.

11:10
I finally got my smoke and curry puff. Now I need BF and my bed.

14:14
I managed to survive till lunch. Had Lor Mee with Jo and the rest. Met a client before lunch and was busy interpreting to her in Chinese. Wasn't an easy task to do when half of my mind was asleep. Now I'm back in this white room. Fuck, I'm falling asleep.

15:04
I'm so excited about the Bintan trip now. You all are just so jealous I'm going with BF for a super short lil honeymoon. Weeee. SPA SPA SPA. Confirmation letter!

Name : Ms. Clare
Date of Spa Treatment : November 8th,
2008
Time of treatment : 1.00 PM – 3.00 PM (Bintan Time)
No of person :
1 Persons
Treatment Type : 120 min session Glow Package (90min Treatment & 30min calm time)
Special Request :
Payment Method : On Guest’s own account (S$ 159.84 )
Name : Mr. Jeff
Date of Spa Treatment : November
8th, 2008
Time of treatment : 1.00 PM – 3.00 PM (Bintan Time)
No of
person : 1 Persons
Treatment Type : 90 min session Power Back (60min Treatment & 30min calm time)
Special Request :
Payment Method : On Guest’s own account (S$ 106.56 )

certainly, he can stay in the treatment
room untill you finish for your treatment, and i will put for both of you in the
couple treatment room. Looking foward to welcoming you boths in our spa soon.
Regards
Emelda

WOOHOO! Couple treatment room with half hour calm time! I'm gonna meditate in there facing the sea. You girls are just so jealous of me. I'm gonna laugh at how BF will react to paraffin. Hot wax sounds kinky. Lucky it's in the same room, if not I'll kill whichever woman who touches my honey. (Obviously I don't mean just massage kinda touch, y'know touch, TOUCH?)

Back to work, another client's coming in half hour's time. Damnit. I'm shivering like a penguin. Or do they not shiver? Shall google it. I shall make use of the Upapa and the Usqueeze in the conference room.

2008-11-03T10:00:00.000+08:00

Bintan trip has been changed to just me and BF. Gotta thank Jo by officially declaring here, that she’s the bestest person on earth whom I love so much and hate so much at the same time. Jo love, I know you want to dive headfirst into Singapore River or jump into the MRT track for that. Please note that, it is really really okay and that I still love you all the same. (:

Friday night was fun, drinking at Backyard, together with fun new people and my 2 loved ones. Too bad Xueli can’t come. Jo, please organize more of such sessions. Maybe make it a little more budget-ish one, like all of us bringing stuff over to your place or something like that. Can’t afford too much of that every week! We'll prolly be broke, given both of our expenditures on ciggs and my expenditure on cabs.

In order to make it up to you, I’ll offer myself, some alcohol and a Karaoke set next Friday. How does that sound to you? If not, we can get an MC together this coming Monday, and sing our lungs out somewhere. Or indulge in a ongoing mahjong session from morning till evening. :D WEETS.

Saturday night was hilarious. I didn't know why I'm so high on that night, watched Tropic Thunder with BF and played stupid arcades games. Topped up so much into that Tapz card and realised they don't have OUTRUN!

Went jogging yesterday with cousie. Dropped parents and sis home then drove over to Karen's for my sport shoes that were left there for like I don't know how long. Of all places, we chose to drive to IMH and jog. It's eerie and scaryyyy. Could hear screaming in the middle of the night, from the patients la not whatever you guys thinking.

I swear my BF hates me now. I've been spending his money like water. I feel so bad! Somehow my accounts can't balance and I don't understand as to how I managed to spend so much in 4 days buying nothing. I'm gonna be nice and treat him to a SPA. I'm such a nice girlfriend -laughs in self denial-

Oh oh oh, something random. JO! I just realised that you're the first person, other than my BF, to get money outta my atm! WHY DID I LET YOU KNOW MY PIN CODE. But yeah, as if you'll steal from me. And I know my atm card damn kuku. But hey, it's an antique. LOR MEE LATER! Now we know, lor mee will sell finish by 5pm everyday.

Because Jo doesn't have internet in her office, I'm gonna copy and paste this and email to her. (She can only access her schroders mail through Intranet) noob eh?

25 days left to the end of internship. Deducting the no. of days for weekends and 1 MC left for me, 18 days left! Jo, reverse bungee is awaiting for you, we'll go club somewhere, open a chalet with BF and Xueli, mahjong, drink, eat, sleep, mahjong, drink, eat, sleep. For 3 days 2 nights. Just the 4 of us, cos no changing of mahjong kaki allowed. Do or die. (:

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!

I love my BF and my GFs LOADS. omgomgomgomgomg. I have no idea why I'm so high when I'm stuck in a room all by myself. I'm gonna skip around the office. CIAO!

P.S: I know I know, my posts lacks of pictures. Soon, soon!
P.P.S: HAHAHAH! I REALLY UPDATED ONCE IN A MONTH. I'm sucha loser.
P.P.P.S: BF, ARE WE GONNA CLUB OR NOT! If not I'll spend Friday night packing our bags to Bintan!

2008-10-06T00:49:00.000+08:00

WARNING : A LONG RANTING POST WITHOUT PHOTOS

Haven't been updating in the longest of time. Haven't really been in touch with the rest of the world either. Not that I'm locking myself at home or anything. Internship sucks hardcore. Literally sucks all your time and energy you don't even feel like doing anything. It's like you have loads of money yet you can't shop or like loads of shit yet you're constipated. Okay, that was crap.

Anyway, I'm like attached to Teo Keng Siang & Partners. This place that handles tons of accident cases. So all I see everyday are cars that have their bumpers gone, victims who suffers from all kinda superficial injuries due to an accident. In short, it's just a very mundane kinda job that I wouldn't choose to handle for long. You don't get to go to court very often and even if you do, it's just relatively trivial cases ~~or you get rude stares from the staff working there. Don't ask me why.~~

Other than my job scope, I've been struggling to maintain a work-life balance. But it was just as expected. I mean, what's life when there's work. How do you even maintain a work-life balance. Okay, the working hours for me and my guy is like totally opposite. Like, I'll end work and he'll start work and end around 9pm which by then, I'm already home and I can't even get my legs to move my huge ass outta my doorstep. That's how bad it gets.

We didn't get used to it initially and the first 2 weeks were really bad. It was a total nightmare to me when work suck and my relationship sucked as bad. Probably I was too focused on performing really well for my attachment and couldn't give a fuck about how my guy feels that's why we ended up on bad terms. Or maybe it was because he was too used to us sticking to each other every single day and I'm suddenly not around and he has too much time to spare that's why our relationship was in that horrendous state. But, it was most prolly just a mixture of both which was lethal enough to let me bawl my eyes and cry my guts out daily.

Kinda helps to sort out our differences amicably without like shouting on the phone or anything. But honestly, it was really tiring and annoying to get calls that will upset my emotional state at that point in time. I could really flare up at anything but I kept suppressing it to myself and drenched my whole pillow with tears almost every night. I swear if my pillow had ears, it would prolly go deaf or something. Well, at least we know that our relationship ain't as feeblish as others expected. We managed to get past this lil rough patch which I think there'll be more to come soon. But whatever, it's like over. So yeah, no worries. We're really fine and even better now. (:

Went to Karin's 21st the day before and BF thinks my family's cool which I will not beg to differ. I mean, how many parents do you see drinking shots with their daughter and her BF. Haha, I love my mom for the fact that she's as alcoholic as I am.

Ah, that was out of my topic. Now I'm getting Monday BLUES and I gotta bury my head between my pillows soon, without BF hugging me to sleep ):

Mondays-Thursdays = "Work my guts out, get scolded but die die must tahan" days ;
Fridays = "Drinking and singing or chillaxing somewhere with Jo GF, Andrew or others" day ;
Saturdays = "I'm sleeping till late afternoon" do not disturb day ;
Sundays = "Giving tuition at 4pm ruins my plans" day

Obviously I meet BF if I'm not tired on any of the weekdays or combine my family and him together on public holidays or weekends. And I'm not that bad NOT to make special, private time for him. (: ( whatever so, you know I love you honey. )

So, if any of you people wanna date me out, I'm sorry but you guys gotta wait till X'mas. No joke. I'll have a 2 week recuperating period at home/ BF's house, other than school time that is. I'll prolly go for a 1 week long retail therapy, another 1 week for Bintan, Genting, Bangkok or whatever to enjoy myself. There are plans but not confirmed yet. What's confirmed is, Jo and Andrew and me, we're going to go on that reverse bungee at Clarke Quay, which is freaking near our office, on the 28th November and scream out guts out. Then, I'll prolly hug Jo and cry and be relieved that attachment is over. OMG, I so can picture that scene.

Okay, enough ranting. I really need to sleep before I look like I got punched in the eye. Oh, all those about not being able to be dated out doesn't apply to Xueli okay. I mean, I gotta state it here before she scolds me or something. You'll never know. HAHAHA.

Be prepared to see my next post up in like maybe another month's time. HOHOHO.

LOVES!

P.S: My BF should stop playing soccer in the middle of the night, getting stupid blisters for himself, stinking himself after he bathed, straining his already not that big eyes to look out for the soccer ball, not catching enough sleep cos he gotta wake up early the next day.

I'm very angry with him and if he doesn't try to pacify me after seeing this post.

I'm not gonna talk to him for the next whole day and ;
I will flip his nails when I see him and ;
I will curse that his eyes becomes smaller and ;
I will make sure I sneak into his house in the middle of the night and ;
I'll withdraw $50 and place it in his wallet and ;
I'll steal ALL his cards so he can't buy his whatever bag and ;
I will duplicate his house keys a few more times in case he wants to confiscate the ones I have and ;
I'll make sure I spend at least $3000 of his hard-earned money on something I wouldn't even use and ;
I'll make sure ... I can't think already LAH.

Wow, that's long. Okay, it's gonna be 2am. GOODNIGHTS. and I think I have a bad tummy ache now. FUCK.

2008-09-06T03:44:00.000+08:00

I'm like so in love with another guy. He's fucking sexy I swear. I'm going weak on my knees. Tell me, he's sexy right!
Look at that smile at 00:11 - 00:14. OMG! CAN GO CRAZY!

Honey, please bring me to this musical if it ever comes to Singapore. Gosh. I'll prolly cry my eyes out in the theatre.

Anyway, it's gonna rain hardcore cos I can feel the wind blowing really strongly at my lil toes. Loves loves.

2008-09-03T17:10:00.000+08:00

Was it the tone or was it just me. Think it doesn't matter that much anyway,

2008-08-30T02:00:00.000+08:00

Watched 4bia, it was superb but BF hates horror movies in cinemas.
$10 note miraculously appeared in my wallet.
End of exams, I'm goddamn happy.
Start of SIP soon and I'm not a wee bit excited.
Thought of having a 9-5 job can kill.
I need to start saving.
I am going broke.
A new month's starting soon.
I can start pressing money out of my BF's tummy. Okay, this is mean.
I am still considering whether I wanna go for that chalet.
I'm in my anti social mode.
I wanna mahjong. (Honey, Chanel's in bkk.)
My girl got so-so results and I'm not pleased, except for Maths.
I am gonna start being a couch potato.
I shall make Sweet Chilli Abalone Salad tmr to curb my craving.
I need to pray my mom doesn't find out that my dad gave me extra money and one of that many cans of abalone is gone.
Can some secret lover please transfer me some money, POSB SAVINGS 228-12319-6. THANK YOU.
That was crap.

2008-08-27T02:58:00.000+08:00

None of these methods work on me. I'm so dead.

I can feel my brain trying to spill out of my skull. It's like overloaded with information that I can't digest nor understand. Okay, last paper in 5 hours time. I can do this. I fucking need a rest and I'm falling sick. I can feel it coming. ): How the fuck am I supposed to wake up for a 9.30am paper.

Was reading through my old posts. Other than enjoying being a workaholic, my life sucked. Okay, at least, the guys in my life sucked. Alright, this is gonna sound very thick skinned but I've gotta say this cos it's like, happening to me recently, more than once.

What's the point of regret boys? You guys wouldn't expect me to give up my almost perfect life and risk my heart being broken by you people again right? Can't you people learn to cherish before you lose something and not regret it like after so long. It's quite sad that a could-be-so-wonderfully-sweet relationship is gone cos' of you people. When all the hopes and feelings were there, you guys crushed it with your bare hands. I'll forgive but I will never forget. We can be friends, yes. But a couple, don't even try. Don't ever treat the next girl this way EVER. I WARN YOU GUYS.

2008-08-26T03:29:00.000+08:00

Yes, I know it's 4 am and like wtf am I doing here. Yes, I know I'm supposed to study but hey, I cleared 10 out of 13 lectures in like 5 hours of hardcore studying and my blog is dying so I'm here to revive it, so give me a break yo. Okay, that was long. Last paper on Wednesday, everyone pray for me!

Went to Hariz's gig last Saturday, but photos are in my camera and I'm too lazy to upload them now. So I only have sucky photos from my phone taken while post-gig-clubbing.

Balloon BF.
Melissa, open your eyes.
Balloon frenzy. He tried tying it to my hair when it's like so short?
Hahahaha. CUI ah.
Red monsters.
Pass me the phone.
This photo is weird.
Like boyfriend like girlfriend. Fre, open your eyes.
Hariz's cap.
Not only did he snatch it from me, look where the fuck his hand is.
Give me a picture perfect please.
Try 1.
Try 2.
Okay forget it. Don't bother trying to take photos when you're too concentrated on kissing.

BYE GUYS!
Remember to pray for me ah!

2008-08-18T03:02:00.000+08:00

My dear BF came over early Saturday afternoon when I'm still deep asleep. Brought me out to Crystal Jade and ate with a whole group of Cantonese aunties and uncles whom swarmed the whole restaurant.
Mr Fat is getting really fat.
And kay poh.
Spiderman really can climb.And he climbed.And he climbed.

And he climbed .........Until we got so bored we went somewhere else to sit down.

My BF is a sleepyhead/he has small eyes. (your choice)
So, Honey treated me to good food for the whole day. But I didn't take any photos of our food.
Sleepyhead/small eyes (still your choice) is angry cos his food ain't here.
But I got him to smile and he looks quite cute.

BUT CUTE SO WHAT?! WHAT TIME ALREADY STILL DON'T WANNA COME HOME. VERY ANGRY WITH HIM NOW. Brrrr. I shall stop wait-talk-text-ing him. ANGRY

2008-08-03T05:20:00.000+08:00

The way you casually put your arms around me.
The way you try your best to figure out the best thing to say to make me feel better although I feel like it's the worst that you could ever say.
The way you hold me close when I'm cold.
The way you look at me when I'm mad and all anger melts away.
The way you hold me and touch me so gently like I'll break into pieces.
The way you open your arms to me when you see my tears flowing.
The way you try not to think of how afraid you are of losing me.
The way you think you're my big protector when I think I'm yours.
The way you remember our special moments or dates even though I think you'll forget.
The way you still hug me when you're all sweaty and stinky.
The way you run your fingers through my hair.
The way you get frustrated cos' you can't make my problems go away.
The way you're more than willing to wait for years.
The way you say you're gonna quit smoking when I said I would when the time comes.
The way you wanna be the best dad and hubby.
The way you make me feel by passing me your ATM card.
The way you make me a tai tai that enjoys life to the fullest.
The way you want to take care of me in every way possible.
The way you make me love you through and through.

Regardless of how much I love you or hate you, wish that you would die or know that I'll die without you, it matters not. Because once in my life, whatever you are to the whole world, you become everything to me. When I look into your eyes, sink into the depths of your soul and tell you a million things without a trace of sound, I know that my own life is consumed within the rhythmic beatings of your heart. I love you for a million reasons, nothing can pen them down. It's a thing, a feeling that can only be felt.

It's just like a soul inhabiting two separate bodies.

I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life

2008-07-29T02:04:00.000+08:00

SBS bus driver, fucking attitude.

At approximately 11.28pm on the 28th of July, I was waiting for Bus 101 at Hougang Street 51 Block 574. Around 13 mins later, I saw the bus approaching.

I immediately stood up and flagged for the bus upon seeing it. At that point of time, the bus was approximately less than 150m away yet it moved at such a speed whereby it took more than one whole minute to get to the bus stop.

Point to ponder, is this how bus drivers should react upon seeing that there is a passenger flagging frantically for it?

I thus told my boyfriend in a casual and joking manner. "I want to scold the bus driver. Hahahaha. My tortoise runs faster than it." I was even laughing and saying it at the same time. Upon boarding the bus, I got a stare from the bus driver. Apparently, he overheard what I said to my boyfriend. But is there a need to throw me, a mere passenger, that dagger stare?

He could have brushed my comment aside and behave like a PROPER bus driver. But NO, to my horror, he asked me, "What, you want to scold me huh?".

A question to ask, is this the kind of attitude I should get from a bus driver? As a bus driver, he is rendering his services to us. In other words, he is working in a service industry. Is such attitude tolerable in a service industry? I believe not.

Before he confronted me, i.e upon boarding the bus, I paid $1.10 in cash for my trip back to Charlton Corner. I wanted to feign ignorance so as to avoid the confrontation but he did not give me a chance to. He refused to issue the my bus ticket to me until I answered his question.

In my personal opinion, SBS brings comfort and convenience to the people. I have waited for half an hour for the arrival of buses before. I have encountered buses with ventilation so bad that I can hyperventilate in them. But I have never complained as I think SBS has done a very good job in bringing convenience to the citizens of this country. However, the attitude of the bus driver today and the way he drives the bus disgust me.

SBS brings convenience to the people. By driving at such a slow speed, is that convenient in any way? There are no points to argue as a speed faster than that is still very much safe due to the conditions of the roads. The previous bus left more than 15 mins ago, so there is no way SBS can say that the driver is trying to comply with the timings for that bus route. The attitude of the bus driver has affected me to the extent that I feel uneasy being a passenger of that bus as stares were thrown back at me by him through the rear view mirror. In simpler words, this bus driver has totally crushed my positive opinion of SBS. In that 15 mins trip, I felt that SBS is neither convenient nor comfortable.

First, the bus moved at such a speed so slow I have never seen by any other SBS buses. Second, my passing comment caused me to face such terrible attitude from the bus driver. Third, the bus picked up speed only when another bus "80" was right behind it. (And when I say slow, I mean a speed so slow, a fast jogger can keep up with it.) Fourth, for consecutive times, the bus stopped outside the boarding berth of the bus stop when there are passengers who wants to board the bus. Note, there were no other vehicles parked directly in front of the bus stop.

May I enquire how did this said bus driver qualify to be one? Please look into this matter seriously and take appropriate disciplinary action as I do not want any other person to end up in the same situation as I did. It was not a very pleasant experience. I believe and trust that SBS will be able to handle the situation at its best.

2008-07-13T04:53:00.000+08:00

It's 5.30am and here I am, blogging. I'M SUPER BORED. Gosh, my caffeine can't work on me. I'm gonna fall asleep soon. Had to rush CPA assignment when I don't know what the fuck is going on in school. My back is hurting and that sucks.

Went to Supreme Court yesterday and went over to Harry's for a drink with Jo, Oonah and Winston. They left after awhile and I lingered on with Richard. This 2 metres plusplus angmoh and I always feel like a rat talking to him. I had to stand on a ledge in my 3 inch heels before reaching his chin. At the end of 2 hours or so, I had 3 pint of Killkenny's and 4 Asahi's. I think.

Met up with BF after that and went for our dinner. That's like, the end of my Friday.

BF came over today and we went over to my Mom's new office before having dinner together with my parents. Went for billiard after that. That's like, the end of my Saturday. I may seem to have a boring life. But hey, clubbing and wasting time away instead of spending quality time, very happening MEH?

I think BF Jeff should smile more. He looks cuter like that.
Than like that. Cos his nostrils flares when he tries to 'gek' his dimple.
He looks like a hamster(?) here. HEY LOOK! YOUR EYES ARE BIGGER THAN MINE. for ONCE. Hmmpf, don't like you cos' you always try to look cuter than me in photos.
No, I don't want take with you anymore. No matter how ugly you look. I SAY DON'T WANT RIGHT! Why force me! Nabei, okay. Take, take .........

My face super "buey-gam-wan". Hahahaha.
YESSAH! I FOUND YOUR UGLY PHOTO. HONEY DIG NOSE! MWAHAHAHAHAHA. I NEVER EDIT! BLAHAHAHA. I'm so annoying. I know.
This will appear in your phone if you leave it alone with me.
Don't continue if:

You're jealous of our relationship.
You hate intimacy.
You've diabetes.
OR IF, JUST IF. You're secretly in love with me. :D

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OKAY, THE END.

P.S: He said his drawing super nice. But hor, VERY NICE MEH. KNN, WHY I GOT DOUBLE CHIN ONE.

2008-07-10T23:03:00.000+08:00

No school today. HAHAHAHAHA!

Went for my dental appointment at Chinatown and got screwed deep till it got so sensitive. Okay fuck, it hurts. It ended kinda early and no way am I going home at such a time. So, I went shopping alone. At Chinatown's OG cos' I'm too lazy to travel anywhere else.

Bought boxers and facial wash for BF. It took me a super long time to choose a nice boxers. Why all look so Ah Pek / overly funky?! Can't they produce more neutral boxers?!

Okay, I dunno what to do that's why I'm here to blog cos' my BF's NOT HOME! ):

DEAR JEFF:
Please parade around the house in the boxers that I bought okay. You can try adding suspenders and then act sexy. I think that will make me roll on the bed and laugh hardcore.

I'm gonna throw away most of your boxers. Especially those with holes or given by someone else. YOU DIE.

AYE, FASTER COME HOME LEY. BLOODY HELL.

2008-07-07T20:16:00.000+08:00

Wore my old specs today. Think they look funkier than my new ones. My new ones are like so ... corporate.
You people can never guess where I'm blogging from. I'm like at this open space near Hougang Green. Then you guys will think what the fuck am I doing, using laptop at some open space, looking at aunties doing Taiji. Thanks to my darling Xueli la. She is desperate for a power plug and there's no power plugs in the vicinity and those guys at Mac REFUSES to get their asses off their seats even after hours.

And my super sharp eye spotted these power plugs randomly while we were sitting at some AhPek Corner smoking. So, we ended up here. In the middle of nowhere.
Okay, I need to go pee and I think Xueli is gonna use the power plug when I'm gone. So yeah, shall update again soon.

XUELI:

clare likes to bring me to places full of mud and make the soles of my slippers clogged with mud. and because of that i am very angry w her. but luckily, she managed to find a plug around due to her superwoman abilities, i have decided to love her all the same!!! WEEEEEEEEEEE

2008-07-06T03:24:00.000+08:00

So yes, there goes my Saturday. Swam, nua-ed at Karen's. Left around 10pm when she went out like around 9pm. Met BF for dinner, billiard then home sweet home. Total moodless.

Ugh, I hate this feeling of not knowing what to do now. Wanna sleep but can't sleep. Fucking need something to kill my time or make me sleep. But I'll wake up feeling fucking useless cos' I've been sleeping alot. Fucking think I'm wasting alot of time in my life. But sometimes I've so much time I don't know what to do.

What is life man? Fuck.

I need some new books. They kill time. They are interesting. They are the best alternative if I wanna lie on my bed but not use my laptop. They are small and light (even if they are the huge ass thick-as-harry-potter kind) and convenient to bring around. I can nua on my sofa with them. I can shit while reading them. They can keep me company if my BF is asleep or not around. Okay, I need new books. Serious case. Someone, meet me and pass me all your nice books.

P.S: Hahaha, Xueli you this sucka. And I thought you would be so self-disciplined and studied. I miss you and your nonsense. ):

P.P.S: My throat is so itchy I'm coughing like one fuck and I'm so annoyed by it. Shall go back to Dunhill Frost soon.

P.P.P.S: I've a fucking bad tummy and I lao sai-ed for I dunno how more than a week. Fuck. I'm like the toiletbowl warmer at home.

2008-07-05T17:26:00.000+08:00

Wake up wake up wake up. BF, you so gotta wake up. I have so much to complain about.

Fuck, I'm like so bored at home.
I've watched E! entertainment for goodness knows how long.
I slept for 16 freaking hours and I can't sleep anymore.
I wanna go out but I don't know where to go.
Xueli is gonna mug overnight at airport. She's fucking hardcore. Crazy woman she is. The best part is, how the fuck am I gonna join her. I'll prolly start playing CS or DOTA on my laptop overnight.
I regret watching TV and not bathing and prepare to go out with my parents. I should have gone. At least I'll have something to do and stuff to buy while walking along Orchard Road.
Saturdays are fucking boring I tell you.
Okay, now my beloved cousie just dated me out. Out for what! SWIMMING. So there goes my Saturday.

Wake up BF, WAKE UP. Bahhh. I've only half an hour to reach Hg Swimming Complex. Supersonic speed again. Sheesh.

2008-07-01T17:15:00.000+08:00

Super suay day yesterday. Woke up at 11am when lecture is at 12pm. In supersonic speed, I smoked, bathed, waxed legs, make up, dressed up for school. Called a cab and reached school at 11.50am. Got back my results for Civil Procedure. It was like fuck. Don't bother talking about it. There's no way I'm gonna pass Advanced Civil Procedure. So I'm like gonna appeal soon. Finished lecture and realised at 2pm that I don't have my necessary stuff in my Civil Procedure file and my lab is at 3pm.

So, I cabbed home to get my stuff and the uncle refused to wait for me downstairs. I got my stuff within 5 mins of 'digging' through that pile of papers. Went downstairs to catch another cab back to school. TMD, IF THAT UNCLE WAITED FOR ME I DON'T FREAKING HAVE TO WASTE ANOTHER 3 BUCKS FOR A NEW RIDE. Goddamnit.

Tummy is giving me problems again. ):

Clare and Jo walking in front, Jo started singing to the tune of "Tell me the meaning of being lonely"
Namchuin tagging along behind: "Jo, you going back to the 80's?"
Jo heard: "So, you going back, ladies?"
So she answered: "No, we're going opposite school to eat."
Clare gave Jo the "HAHA wtf" face while calling my BF.
Jo: "WHAT?!" with a semi smug look cos' she don't understand what was so funny about it.
School is super interesting. School for Clare consists 80% of Jo. (READ THIS. MISSY JO)

I'M GOING TO SCHOOL TMR!

2008-06-28T04:07:00.000+08:00

Can someone please tell me where to get this? It's Burberry Black Label. Any of these 2 also can. But I prefer the second one. I WANT ! #*()&*)^%(*@#*&$)(@#)*$%&(#@!FUCK.
):

2008-06-28T01:00:00.000+08:00

Didn't go to school for a week and I feel like crap. Awwww, fuck. Went out with my family for dinner just now at some Japanese restaurant at Velocity. Don't remember the name of the place cos' I didn't bother. I swear I have super cute parents and I think they're damn loving. That's my Papa giving my Mama a massage. How sweet.

And they are like sharing the same seat reading the same papers.

That's my Tempura + Sushi set.

These photos were taken a long time ago. This is what will happen if you leave me alone with a laptop. Pictures of me will suddenly pop out in a new folder in your documents. I was too bored when BF was bathing.

He's trying to flash his ultra deep dimple again. Try harder Honey.
I went to the doctor's cos of my tummy that day.

Clare: My stomach's hurting me. I think it's gastric but I have diarrhea.
Doc: *Checks past records* Your menses haven't come yet?
Clare: No.
Doc: Do you have an active sex life?
Clare: *stunned* Yeah, kinda.
Doc: So do you always use contraceptives?
Clare: Erm, no. Not really.

( Doc pressed my tummy here and there and it fucking hurts )

Doc: *Serious expression, leans forward and stares at me* Can you do a urine test for me?
Clare: FOR WHAT?!
Doc: It's a pregnancy test.
Clare: But my menses is only late for 3 days! Can I come back if it doesn't come in a week?
Doc: This is a very serious matter. I still strongly advise you to take the test. Your menses is not here and you're complaining about tummy aches. Something may happen if you're really pregnant. Your baby may not be in the womb ....
Clare: WHAT?
Doc: *blabbers on*
Clare: *fucking waste money* okokok, I take. *Damn it*

Results = negative. Happily gave me medicine and prolly glad that she successfully, fucking conned 8 bucks outta me cos' I'm scared of her.

The next day, menses come. Together with my original tummy ache. Good game.
Doctors can do business too.
FUCK.

My post shall end here.

2008-06-24T02:50:00.000+08:00

What do people usually do when they can't sleep and they cannot find anything to do? Fuck. I'm bored bored bored bored bored. I suck at entertaining myself and I suck at making myself sleep. I don't like this feeling. Hello night caps, here I come.

2008-06-24T00:26:00.000+08:00

To get things right:

I did NOT break up with BF Jeff. (:
We had some nitty gritty that we have already smoothened out.
We're busy with our own lives.
He has work and I have school and work.
Time is a super big issue to us.
That was what made both of us down.
It's hard to schedule time to meet each other.
Much less to go out and have fun.
That was why I said I have to learn to eat dinner alone in my previous post.

So, to all those out there who are concerned. Don't worry. We're like happily stuck onto each other. I know it sounds disgusting but we are. And really, thanks for asking anyway. (: I love all of you. And yeah, thanks Mandy.

2008-06-22T22:47:00.000+08:00

I feel the blues kicking in. I think this marks the end of holidays and the end of all those surreal enjoyments that I had in the past 2 weeks. My whole world feels like it's whirling around, the whole city's sleepy and your brain can't function. It's like you feel like you're in a dream. Everything so blur and misty yet you know it's real. Jo says there's no time to feel blue cos' we have work to do. But, fuck it. I can't do a single work now. It's even more pathetic cos' I don't even have the time to cry. I'll find comfort somewhere on my sofa or something. At least hang on to my world while reality seeps in. Holding onto my world as I absorb the fact that our lives may be not be the same again. The fact that both of us sharing a life will be history. The fact that we will be leading separate lives.
Whatever so, it's annoying cos' it's worrying me so much that it will be detrimental to our relationship. As much as we have already smoothen out all those nitty-gritty, the issue of time is the one getting on our nerves. Then again, I'm such a emotional soul. For the next half a year, I'll be missing the past half. Those solitary moments we have alone. Those days when we belong to each other only. When we could have fun and fuck cared the rest of the world. So, when is it gonna happen again? We said we'll solve things as they come. But can we really do it?

Time is free, but it's priceless. You can't own it but you can use it. You can't keep it but you can spend it. But once it's lost, you can never get it back. Seems like I'll need time to teach me how to have my dinner alone again.

2008-06-22T18:07:00.000+08:00

BF took this picture of me just before I get outta hse to work. I refused to get up from the sofa and insists on lying there.

Last weekend of my hols. Spent most of my hols working or sleeping or just slacking around with BF. Didn't really had any interesting stuff coming up. Is it cos' life's stable, that's why it's mundane? It's not that I want alot of activities planned for me nor is it about going out and having fun. It's just that when compared to the life I lead less than a year back, I realised that I've toned down alot ALOT. But that's a good thing, no?

Went down to Sentosa yesterday for some fun with the guys. Reached there around dusk and decided to swim around, play some soccer while waiting for Shafiq to come. So BF was buried and he kinda enjoyed it. He warned me not to post this photo up my blog cos' he looks like some ghost. But anyhow, I still did.
And the many hands working on him.I gave him a larger than huge dick.Left to right: BF, Mel, Fre, Just, Hariz, Fiq, ChunPing.

And I seriously think Hariz looks damn cute here.
Okay, school's starting again and attachment is coming up in September. Darn. Teo Keng Siang & Partners. Here I come.

2008-06-19T04:06:00.000+08:00

Oh hello everybody. (: I'm like the happiest person on earth. No school shits, no friendship shits, no relationship shits, no work shits, no family shits. Life is carefree man. All you people are so jealous of the life I'm leading now. And there you are deluding yourself that you're as blissful as I am. When in fact you're :

Frustrated over school/work
Worried you are not doing well enough in school/work
Pissed off by a friend /you're still tolerating it /you think you're stupid /you still tolerate
Grumpy cos' your parents told you off/ nagged at you
Just quarrelled with your other half
Feeling terrible cos' you do not have one
Deluding yourself that you're happier with a bunch of guys/girls
Feeling guilty cos' you all broke up for some fucked up reason. Awwwwwwww
Feeling sex deprived cos' you grind so much in clubs like you're some hot stuff and at the end of the day you have to get back to your bunch of guys/girls. Awwwwwww.
Getting temporary happiness in clubs by grinding some opposite sex.
Telling yourself you're not sexually deprived after reading the past 2 points when obviously the whole world thinks that you've an itchy pussy/dick.
Thinking I'm sucha bitch saying all these.
Refusing to admit that these are actually the truth.

I'm feeling happy cos' I'm not in any of those categories. I've a stable part-time job which pays me well enough. And I'm on holidays so I can fuck everything about school. I've a nice family that recently got a hamster. I've a sweet boy o' mine that comes down to Harry's alone for a beer just cos' I complained that I'm bored working there on a Sunday night. So he came down and I bought him beer and he sat there till I ended work. I'm like a pampered girlfriend. But who cares, it's like the first time I'm ever pampered.He finished giving tuition this morning and decided to irritate me and wake me up. And I've got huge eye bags that look even worse on the front camera of my kuku phone. I've got a sudden craving for Tom Yum and he suggested having steamboat.

So we went grocery shopping and bought helluva food that both of us cannot finish. We ate like 2 dinosaurs and I felt like a bean bag just now. Gosh, now I'm craving it again. There's still leftover Tom Yum Paste. WOOHOO.
I took this photo before going off to work on Sunday night. Imma happy, pampered kid without worries. I've nice friends, family and BF. (: I think I'm beautiful cos' I've sucha beautiful soul and a beautiful life. Not taking into consideration the fact that I scold random xiao meimeis and didis, customer service officers, telephone operators, cashiers, irritating bikers (those loser bicycle bikers). Okay, I don't have a beautiful soul afterall. But I like myself no matter what.
And I excel in soccer. They don't call me national defender for nothing. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
I'm self-delusional when it comes to this.

P.S: Jo darling. Put a freaking tagboard on your blog. I wanted to tell you how much I miss you the night before but I couldn't find you online and I couldn't tag on your blog either. Plus I lazy take my handphone cos' it was super far away. Anyway, I miss you I miss you I miss you. MONDAY! is coming soon. It's bad cos' it's school but at least I've got you and it works the other way round too. I KNOW IT. (:

2008-06-14T01:52:00.000+08:00

Our secret haven. Sweet.
4-poster bed + chandeliers + garden chairs. Lovely.
Pretty lightings in purple.
Walls that makes me fill like a queen.
My love is sleeping and I'm bored.
Clare: Stop sleeping, get up and play with me.
Jeff: Emmmm, play what?
Clare: I dunno.
Jeff: Emmmm.......ZZZZZZZZ
Clare: -.-''''

So I stared at the ceilings and admired the lightings and the cupids.The cosy corner I set up for myself while he was still sleeping.

Even the shampoos are in potion bottles.
Our clothes and bathrobe.
And our random stuff.
Randomness: The feeling I get was inexplicable. When you turned around suddenly and rest your head in between mine and my shoulder. Your hot breath against my cool skin while sleep talking and telling me how much you love me. Haa, my silly love.

2008-06-12T03:44:00.000+08:00

Life is so fucking unpredictable. You're up there for a moment and then you're down the next. There's this one guy who can manipulate my feelings as and when he likes. What more can I say? How well do you know a person when sometimes you feel like you don't even know him. Keeping quiet on the phone, holding on to it so tightly as if it will stop me from crying, sucks. It's another taste-your-salty-tears night for me again.

When that acidic feeling grips your heart so tight it hurts. Maybe I shouldn't think so much at all. It doesn't even help. But I can't help it.

2008-06-10T03:15:00.000+08:00

FUCKING CB, I'M FUCKING BORED. FUCKING HELL. FUCK FUCK FUCK. FUCKING GIVE ME SOMETHING TO DO DAMNIT.

2008-06-09T00:21:00.000+08:00

That photo marks the end of Euro2008 roving for Carlsberg. Had helluva fun while working with the girls and Mark. We've gotten used to be together as a team and when Euro kicked off last night, that was the end of our promotional campaign. Had fun drinking with the rest of the team after work, namely, all the Carlsberg people and of course Sarah babe. (:

Oh yes, this was taken by BF when I was having my facial. And I seriously don't think that mask look like Dota's Mask of Madness. HAHAHAHAHA.

Okay, start of holidays. But hols is packed with work for me and for him. Oh well.

P.S: I'm so glad how me and Xueli keeps our friendship going. Like how the both of us makes the effort to meet up with each other and understands the fact that we both will need time for our respective boyfriends. Life's so much better this way.

And I'm enjoying it. Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY EUGENE BRO! CONGRATS FOR JOINING CLUB 21. HAHAHAHA

2008-06-06T04:09:00.000+08:00

REWIND, 36 hours ago
4pm = eating ba zhang + tao kae noi
5pm = trying to wake BF up
6pm = still trying to wake BF up
6.30pm = BF woke up
8pm - 11pm = soccer
12am= reach home
2am = lao sai
3am = blogging
4am = mugging
5am = go to sleep
7am = woke up
8.30am = reached school
8.50am = go in exam hall
9am = start writing
9.30am = headache + hand ache
9.50am = stare into space
10.03am = get out of exam hall
10.15am = looking lost outside exam hall
10.30am = still discussing paper
10.35am = waiting for cab + call BF
10.37am = knn fucking bitch snatch my cab right in front of me
10.43am = another one try to snatch my cab again. not so easy. fucking hell.
10.50am = met BF
10.55am = smoke smoke smoke
11am = walk to auntie's house
11.20am = start of facial
11.45am = screaming my head off
11.50am = BF can't stop laughing at me
12pm = time for mask
12.10pm = mask crack, fuck.
12.15pm = mask still cracking (VERY FUNNY MEH. MASK OF MADNESS)
12.25pm = take mask off
1pm = getting ready to go off
1.30pm = smoke smoke smoke
1.40pm = take cab
1.55pm = reach buona vista
2.30pm = stare into space holding on to a script
3pm = casting, acting like some sad woman
3.45pm = make my way to mrt
4pm = call xueli
4.30pm = fell down in the bus
4.35pm = meet xueli
5pm = smoke smoke smoke
5.02pm = FOOD FINALLY
6.15pm = reach home
7pm = knocked out
1.30am = jump up
1.31am = scold BF for not waking me up
1.45am = smoke smoke smoke
1.50am = cook charsiew and heat bak kut teh
3am = back on bed
4am = started to blog
4.15am = still blogging
4.26am = KNN. WHY STILL SO EARLY.

I want to sleep I want to sleep I want to sleep but I can't sleep.
Hello freedom, where is rest?

2008-06-05T01:08:00.001+08:00

Have you ever wondered what is this person doing in your life?

I woke up and felt him next to me. That overwhelming feeling of familiarity yet a with a tinge of foreignness in it. That bugging, warm and heavy arm thrown across me, anchoring me to my bed. The heat that he radiated despite the surface coolness of his skin. This bugger was lying totally blissfully in my bed, my lil' oasis of happiness, still clinging onto me.

I heard the water running in my toilet, heard his habitual sneezing after he woke up. And there I was, making a honey drink for him. The domesticity of it made my thoughts seep back into reality, even though there was something surreal about it.

I stared at him as he tidied himself. The solitary life that I used to lead, with or without a guy, has totally changed, I enjoyed doing things at my own pace, to estimate the time I will need before I leave the house for school. Instead, there's this man in front of my dressing table, the most generous of any that I've ever met. He gave of himself in a way I had never expected, that unhesitating generosity that I've got from nobody else. Though I'm late, I can't possibly blame him for being part of my life, for messing up my routine, for being someone I have to consider about no matter what I do.

I'm used to walking, sleeping, going through my daily routine of brushing my teeth, going to the shower, using the dressing table, alone. And I didn't realise that for half a year, there's this guy leaving his presence everywhere around me. Didn't realise the fact that I've gotten used to utilising my toilet, mirrors and dressing table concurrently with someone else. The fact that I actually miss his presence before I fall asleep. The times when I feel that a queen sized bed is too big for me alone.

In this past few months, the frequency of me squeezing him next to a wall while we're walking on a narrow path has decreased with time. The frequency of me reaching out to pull his hand while we're crossing the road has increased. Now that I'm so used to living a life for two, I'm so afraid to go back to that solitude that I've used to embrace. The paranoia of losing someone who has found his way into your heart.

As I stared at him while he busied himself, fiddling with my hair dryer, making faces at me through my dressing table's mirror, the thought came to me randomly. "What is this guy doing in front of my dressing table? Of all the guys in the world, why him?" It struck me that I should thank whoever wrote the Book of Fate (as believed in ancient Chinese dramas).

If at that point in time, I didn't take the risk to venture further, more than friends. He may still be one of those that I'll go clubbing with as a group. He may be holding onto some other girl's hands and she will be the one protected in his arms rather than me. (Fuck, I'm getting jealous at the thought of it.) Then the guy that I'm staring at in front of my dressing table will not be him anymore. Who will it be? Ain't Fate an extraordinary bizzare and phenomenal thing?

Till date, I'm glad that we're the one who crossed each other's Path in Life. The fact that it's MY clothes in his closet, the fact that it's MY towel stashed in his closet, the fact that it's MY fragrance on his pillow, the fact that I'm the girl in his house, the fact that it's ME in his life. The fact that we can bathe, brush our teeth together, even pee in front of each other. It's such a pleasure acknowledging how comfortable we are with each other without the use of words.

4 pillows, 2 blankets, 1 bolster, 1 tissue box, 2 heads, 2 heartbeats, 4 entangled limbs with 1 love.
Yes, that's what I've got on my bed.

I so gotta study for my Company Law paper. Another 6 hours to it.
Jeffrey Ding, please cry after reading this post.

2008-06-05T00:05:00.000+08:00

It's all about work, study and Honey. Yes woman, your Baileys is in my tummy that's why you can't find it. And that Tom Yum Tao Kae Noi aka Tae Koi Na was too superb so I finished the whole packet. Shall buy you one tmr. Please tell me you already finished studying Company Law. You're so screwed. AND AND, I can't go singing with you tmr cos' I've got a casting. WHY ARE YOU NOT ONLINE. Damnit.

Soccer's taking away my toes. Pffft. In another 10 hours, I'll get my freedom.
2 weeks holidays = 14 days; 5 days work = 9 days; sundays for family = 7 days.
I've only 1 week of hols. ):
Bloody fuck.

P.S: Xueli, I'm so sorry. I'm down with my studies this week. Shall meet you next next week. Loves.

FREEDOM, HERE I COME FOR YOU.
Time is so constrained and I'm glad I've my understanding girls standing by me.
And of course you too la BOYFRIEND.

2008-06-01T01:18:00.000+08:00

I'll start this post with my favourite crazy dog. Who loves wrestling with me and biting my hand like it's some freaking bone.

He's in love with my boobs.
And my tissue which he dug out by sticking his head all the way into my bag.
He gave up wrestling with me. Obviously, I'm better at it.
Then comes my fave boy. Who's in love with IKEA's stuff. Like, the sofas and the pillows.
And needless to say, the food.
Look at him. GOSH.
Oh yes, and his favourite toy. Which is SUPPOSED to be a pleasant looking hand puppet frog.

I don't know what's wrong with my BF. Pardon my oily skin and pimples. Spot that one under my nostril. HAHAHA
And he insists that this is my family member.
See, my favourite boy. Again.
First, you act pretty.
Then, you act cute.
Lastly, you go crazy and spin.
My siao ding dong Boyfriend that I so love.
Here comes my favourite girl.
And those crazy times in class where I got caught eating by her camera.

Bliss is what you don't get with any other.

I love my J's. Jo, Jeff and Jick. Only the first and second knows who's the third. Anyway, school's a killer and I so gotta study. 5 more days. Then comes the temporary heaven. Can't wait for Tatami. It's gonna be you and me again Honey. Woohoo. Life is fucking everyone, yes. But hey, where is life when law exists? Damn.

Jo thinks everyone looks so happy with their lives while surfing through Friendster. And yes darling, those are just the flawless personalities that populate the Internet. To think again, why would people capture their sad moments when they are self-delusional and think that they're leading a carefree life? Ain't they just making others envy them for how they envy others.

Do not fall into their traps.

2008-05-31T19:41:00.000+08:00

I'm at BF's and I'm bored. I've got nothing to do after sewing his name onto the towels that we bought from Ikea. Stress is an irritating thing to me these days. It brings forth nonsensical thoughts that I hate. It makes everyone down and cranky for nothing. Damn. LIFE is not "Life Is For Enjoyment". I came to this new conclusion that "Life Is Fucking Everyone". Blogger doesn't allow me to upload my pictures and I don't know why. Okay, his family is very noisy. (EDITTED) BUT I LIKE. HAHAHAHA. And I'm in the middle of the living room. It's weird.

2008-05-27T10:58:00.000+08:00

I'm in class now and I'm blogging just beside my beloved Jo Eng. Lecturer is talking about some flexible wage system and bonus. I'm not absorbing anything cos' I'm so drained. Menstrual cramps are draining me of my energy level. It's like I need some mana potion or something for my full speed regeneration. Gosh, now I'm so stone till I'm spouting nonsense.

Spent half of my morning trying to wake BF up. Gave up calling his mobile in the end. Asked his mama to wake him up instead. She's forever his best alarm clock, other than me, that is. Yeah, I'm like heading to Ikea later for some Swedish Meatballs and furniture shopping with BF. Damn, I feel like crap after 3 hours of sleep.

Someone, pass me a mana potion.

2008-05-22T12:39:00.000+08:00

Expired photos. And that's my Ah Ma during Mother's Day lunch.
Jo says I haven't been blogging. Alright, I've been busy with school and work and my boyfriend and my darlings Jo and Xueli. That's about my life. There's nothing much to do these days and I'm not complaining. At least there's nothing to affect my daily mood adversely. I'm relatively hanging out with Xueli and not to forget, Jo.

It's amazing how close friends can really keep quiet when they are beside each other yet not feel a sense of awkwardness. If friends needs words or activities or simple noises to fill up the gap between them, then what's the point of saying how close or how important we are to each other. Cos' they're all just lies.

Don't ask me how I spent my birthday, cos' I didn't celebrate it. Just had a simple night out with BF.
Anyway, I've been working for Carlsberg's Euro2008 promotion. I want the jersey top luh. ):

2008-05-14T00:48:00.000+08:00

So that's what people think makes a good relationship. Living and doing things to make the other one happy. Maybe they ain't so right afterall. What's the point of doing all that when you ain't that happy yourself. It's a big fat lie when they say they will be happy doing things to make the other one happy. In long run, you're fucking torturing yourself. And if the other one just enjoys receiving, then he/she don't even love you.

I feel so snooked. It pains my heart to talk over the phone like that. It pains me to voice some stuff out. I so want to talk face to face instead. Maybe so I could have hugged you and cry or I could just shut up and stick my cheek on your chest.

I need my night caps.

2008-05-13T01:15:00.000+08:00

Lo and behold! Here comes the long awaited post. These pictures were taken long time ago. During Law Welcome 08/09.

That's my darling partner Kannan shuffling and dancing in the LT. It's not that I didn't join him. It's just that I wasn't caught on camera. AND. He's going NS soon. I promise to meet you up soon partner. Loveloves.

I think he's not happy cos' of the flour. Okay, so on the 24th April, my family made our way down to KL for my big cousin's wedding. And there I am, driving in the fog. We took 4 hours to reach KL, excluding stopping over at some place for timsum breakfast. And when we finally got to our room, I was damn happy. It's a super nice place, One Utama, I tell you. Shopping's kinda high end there so I didn't buy alot, just some shirt for BF.I was slacking around in my bathrobe until my Mom started asking me to get bathed and changed cos' we're going manicure. My mom's damn cute. I know.And when I finally got changed, she wasn't even ready to go yet. Pardon my sleepy face, I was damn lethargic after the car ride. Didn't sleep the night before either. So yeah. That's my cute Ma enjoying her pedicure and manicure at the same time. Occasional pampering, she calls it.FIRST NIGHT OUT. We went over to Sanctuary at The Curve which was near our hotel. Drank like fishes. I didn't know my Malaysian cousins so happening one can. Better than Singapore I dare say. They're damn fun to be with. Or maybe cos' we were spending like we're super rich kids. But still, cousins last forever, unlike friends. That's my elder cousie, Joan.

Nam, Joan's younger brother. Who is still my elder cousie.

Lap, the cousin who always brings me to club when I go over and I returns the favour when he comes. I think he's super nice.
Joan loves me. (: Then we all woke up late the next day and went over to my Big Uncle's house. That's the newly weds.
My cousin on the right and his wife on the left. How sweet. Look at the number of chains on her neck. So kuku right.I dunno what's this for actually.
And I think my Dad looks like a huggable bear in this picture.
Yam Seng time. Yeah, we got sabo-ed up stage. Awww. Party after wedding. Went over to BarCelona at Sunway. Whoa, fucking hell. It was more happening than Sanctuary can. I so must go Scarlet next trip. So we drank like sharks this time.
And those who tried to get us drunk got drunk instead. Haha. And we all concluded that everyone in the Yau family are alcoholics who can drink damn well. Especially the girls, that is.
Fantastic NasiLemak and Sheesha session after clubbing. WOOTS. Guess that's all for my Malaysian trip. It consisted mostly of clubbing and clubbing and clubbing.

Sometimes, we'll need to step out of the situation before being clear what we've got ourselves into. And most of the times, we realize that we got ourselves landed in a whole load of crap and nonsense. I'm not talking about Jeff by the way. To whoever is interested, I'm super contented with him. Serious. So be jealous or whatsoever, that's your problem.

I thought I could let time heal all wounds. But I realise that the problem doesn't lie with me being together with Jeff. It lies with you yourself. And the problem with you is, you refuse to let yourself realise or even have the slightest thought, that the whole fucking problem is you. Being stubborn gets you nowhere and I don't even see a need to meet up and talk anymore. There's no point talking when things don't get into your head.

Whatever it is, I've given up hope. If you ever realise, for the last 2 months that we've been close, I've been the one searching high and low for you when your phone is off and you're missing. I'm the one who fucking cried with you when you wanna cry. There were so many things that I've done. Anyone around us can see by themselves, I don't have a need to post every single thing I've done for you. If your memory never failed you, go think it through. In short, I've fucking given up on our friendship.

So goodbye, take care and all the best with all your so called superb friends. I've friends who appreciate me more and I don't even have to act like a clown in front of them.

2008-05-05T00:07:00.000+08:00

Photos and stuff will be up soon when I'm not so busy. Had loads of fun in Malaysia, hardcore clubbing for 2 nights straight was superb with my cousins and it cured my week old constipation. Wedding was great there, drinks were great there, clubbing was great there, cousins were great there, shopping wasn't that great but at least I got something for my Honeybun. Finally, a relaxed life without stress over specific stuff.

---- here ---- there, fucking piece of shit. From BF: Life's like shitting, when it has to come out, it has to come out. When some stuff have to go, I've gotta fucking let them go. If not I'll die from constipation or whatsoever. Get piles or poisoning due to too much shit in my life. PFFFT. Fuck off and die.

2008-04-17T04:24:00.000+08:00

It's Momsy's 51st birthday. So, this post would start with a HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUMMY!

Dear Mummy, you've been through shits with me, seen me turn rebellious and tame again after a span of 5 years or so. You've tolerated all kinds of nonsense that I've given you. No matter how my words or actions broke your heart or how I caused your tears to fall cos' of my hurtful craps, you never ever gave up on me. And here I am now, listening to your's and Dad's advice. I'm proving those who once jeered and looked down at me wrong. Even though whatever I've achieved isn't as good as compared to others, you guys still think that I've the greatest accomplishment in life. Which is to acknowledge my mistakes and take a bold step forward to amend them.

And so, we made our way to Serangoon Gardens for Sushi Tei.

KaminabeAnd the cannot do without chicken meat.Assorted sushi.All time favourite salmon and yellow-tail sashimi.Katsu Curry DonYakitori DonTempurasCha SobaHappy MummyGreedy PopWho is also irritating. But I still love him. Yes, I'm a complete nua piece of shiat today.

Presents for my beloved Mom. 3 roses means 'we love you'. Diamonds means 'forever'. So we love you forever. I WROTE HER THAT. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT. HAHAHA.

Hey Honeybun, let's work hard and feed our baby joint account until it's fat. And soon enough, we'll enjoy the sweet fruits of our labour.

And, I found this pretty lil thing at my void deck while I was smoking with Xueli this afternoon. Oh man, I think he got lost. I so want a bulldog but I just found out they are not allowed in Singapore. ):AND YESSAHHH!!!! I'VE GOT DARLING JO IN MY NEW CLASS. FUCK, THIS IS GOOD SHIT MAN.

2008-04-12T17:32:00.000+08:00

Hello. I'm a good girl today, staying at home and not going anywhere. BF's still sleeping after 11 hours. It's 6pm now by the way. Came home around 7am from BF's. Went over to stay after Sheesha session last night. Found some expired photos in my handphone.

Revealing my inner child and the uncontrollable urge to doodle. So I aimed BF's toe while he was lying on the couch. Meet Ah Gong
And his GF Ah Siao.And BF's pretty starry mouse.Went to Marina square yesterday after his school for shopping. Ate at Cavana then at Changing Appetites. Sat, facing th Esplanade with Shafiq, Shira and friends. My pretty boy! I think he don't like taking photos with me.
The other couple.
He insists that I cannot delete this photo cos' his eyes looks big.
And we look like aquarium fishes.
Hello pretty.
Fuck, I want dimple too.

Taking a proper picture together was impossible. Cos' I was busy fighting Fiq off.
And cos' my BF's falling asleep.
Hello Chun, the act candid guy.
He's really tired.
You see! I told you he doesn't like taking photos with me.

And I got snapped looking like a dragon.
Ah, sweetness.
Woohoo. The guys' bitching session.
Almost reunion.

Something that we can never achieve with any others. Being so close and so comfortable with every other. Friendship is not all about going out and having fun or physical company. It's the emotional and spiritual bond within too.

BF JEFF: YOU'RE A BLOODY PIG. LOOK AT THE TIME NOW AND YOU'RE STILL NOT UP. OH DAMN. But, I still love you as much.

Okay, it's time to drive my Mom to my Grandma's. Ciao.

2008-04-11T02:37:00.000+08:00

Knowing too much ain't that good at times. Ignorance is bliss. But to start being ignorant or feigning ignorance is irritating. Life's not always about oneself yet most of the human beings live for themselves and in their own world. What's importance worth when you're the only one acknowledging it? I don't think that's called importance anymore, I call it selfishness. It takes a million lies to cover ONE lie. And it will hurt a million times MORE to find out all those lies instead of finding out just ONE lie. Again, the tension of opposites.

BF JEFF: Hello my king, I love you so deeply too. You make me feel like the most blissful soul on planet earth. You make me feel like I'm the most significant person in your life. And it's nice to know I'm the only other girl that you care for the most and treats the best other than your younger sister. Though we crap alot about meat sticks and cream pies, we both know that our relationship is not as superficial as how some perceives it to be.

It's not about having fun, it's not about having someone around for company, it's not about physicality, in other words, sex. It's about finally finding a soulmate. Someone whom I don't mind him knowing every single little details about me. Someone I don't mind sharing my stupid childish random thoughts, my super duper throw-face past because he will not laugh at me. Instead, he'll listen patiently or nod in acceptance that this is who I am and my past is what makes me Clare now. And you did it. You make me feel so comfortable around you cos' you love me for who I am and not who you want me to be. And that's about all I've been asking for. (If you remember the first time you asked me on msn what if you fall in love serious with me.) This has been my reply and it will always be.

I'll continue playing my part to make you feel like you're the most blissful soul on planet earth other than me. Smile more instead of being frustrated over stuff cos' you said my smile never fails to keep you going. Continue living the sweet life we're having now. Like, sitting through long, chilly bus rides together, sharing one super big jacket, plugged with our individual headphones
and texting each other diabetic and stupid stuff though we're just beside each other. Both of us grinning from ear to ear, giggling like some high school girls, looking like two sillyheads. And even when I'm not beside you, I'll make sure you smile that silly-ly at your phone at my text, make sure you laugh at some stupid crap that I've said though you're all alone on the bus or walking to somewhere or wherever. I wanna let you and the whole world around you know that you're loved. And what can feel better than knowing that you're being loved and appreciated that much by someone whom you treat as your own significant other?

What's between us, will be between us. Who cares about superficial opinions when we both know what we have between you and me? Loves, anytime with you is just simply great too!

Stars fade but I'll linger around.

2008-04-10T00:09:00.000+08:00

NABEI TURTLE. FUCK

Still re-reading my Tuesdays with Morrie. Then I came across words that got me thinking.

"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted. It's a tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle."

Which side win? You all would ask. And it told me that love always win. Of course, I don't interpret it as the love for my boyfriend or whatsoever. It's the love for all those around me. The love for all beings in my life. The love for a spouse/bf should never be compared to any other relationships. Never, ever.

"So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy going things they think are important. This is because they are chasing the wrong things. They way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning."

Creating something that gives me a purpose and meaning. Hmmmm.

"The most important thing in life is to know how to give out love and let it come in."

Well.... speechless for this. It's about time for me to shut the fuck up.

2008-04-09T12:00:00.000+08:00

I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND HARDCORE AH!

Been spending quality time with Jeff. Went on a very special date as if it was our first. I even set a theme for our dressing. Anyway, we went on an Adventure Dinner and I'm not telling you guys how it works. Khansama Tandoori Restaurant located somewhere at Little India.

Restaurant's promotion campaign.Walaoey, $20 bucks just for hard liquor brought in from outside. And my Boyfriend was busy texting I dunno who. I bet he has a lover outside somewhere. You bitch watch out.YOU SEE YOU SEE! YOU GET WHAT I MEAN!His try at macro shots.Legendary, all-time favourite Teh Tarik. This one is with Indian herbs.Cheese Naam and Onion Naam.

Chicken something Masala. We had the mutton one too. Shiok.

And so, we went on long walks, had serious talks. Been spending time at my house or going down to town to repair his lappy these few days.

Long, cold bus rides rocks.

TEHKAIWEN: I DON'T CARE. I NOT GONNA MEET YOU TILL MAY. HAHAHAHAHA

2008-04-06T01:32:00.000+08:00

I didn't say hello to you cos' I know we're both afraid of the awkwardness.

"Now I know how important minutes are." is cos' of the minutes that I made you wait.

"Finally understood the meaning of 'importance-ness'" is not towards Jeff. It's towards you. And I've told you countless times that a bf-gf relationship should not be compared to the friendship between us. It's totally different. Yes I love you but yes, I love Jeff too. But the whole point is, the type of relationship between me and him is different from between me and you. My boyfriend DON'T mean every single thing to me. I know Jeff will see this but so? The truth is OTHER than Jeff, there are so many more important things around me. And the same applies to you and any others. OTHER than you, there are ALSO so many important things around me.

You waited for almost half hour for all of us and I thought Derrick reached prata shop and he's with you already. That's why I will take 20 mins to go down. I saw Derrick's sms at 11.52pm and he said he's at the chess area. I took it for granted that he was reaching prata shop and I didn't know that he was sitting at the chess area. THAT'S WHY.

Fine, I'm speechless for once and I have nothing to say anymore. Since 4 months ago, I've been trying whatever means and ways that I can think of to make you happy. I'm sorry that I've failed to do so. I'm sorry I have a boyfriend. I'm sorry that I don't have as much time as I used to have for you. I'm sorry for whatever misunderstandings. I'm sorry we've drifted apart. In your words, we've drifted all the way to Moscow. Yet something somewhere inside me tells me this is not the end of our whatever ship. Cos' I know I don't wanna lose you.

Then you'll say you'll lose when it comes to arguing with me cos' you will never win me with words. Now I can tell you. I don't wanna argue further. As what I've said. Speechless. After this post, I've nothing much to say to defend myself or anything anymore.

It's as what you've said. We need time to cool down. We'll talk, when you decide to talk to me. So goodbye, for now.

And, it still hurts.